


across the sea

by yournewflame



Category: The Half of It (2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Cruise Ship, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/F, Red String of Fate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:41:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 31,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25322569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yournewflame/pseuds/yournewflame
Summary: After her mother's death, fourteen year old Ellie Chu joins her engineer father on the ocean liner where he works. There, she meets Aster Flores, a child girl with a streak of paint on her cheek and a piece of red string connecting her pinky to Ellie's.
Relationships: Ellie Chu/Aster Flores
Comments: 51
Kudos: 218





	1. wide sea of eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hi there. I don't even know how to explain this. 
> 
> thanks in advance for letting me natter on once again. 
> 
> also i know NOTHING ABOUT CRUISE SHIPS DONT @ ME

“Ellie, this is Aster. She’ll show you around the deck.” Her father says softly, his warm hand on her shoulder the only thing tethering her to the present. She barely hears him. Instead, she’s too focused on the thin line of string she can suddenly feel tight around her pinkie. Hey eyes trace the twine- it’s not hard to follow, the red bright against the cheap grey of the linoleum beneath her feet- across the space between herself and the pinkie of the girl standing a mere few feet across from her. Ellie blinks, wondering if this is some grief-fuelled mirage. The string remains when her eyes reopen. She gives her finger a slight twitch and sure enough, the string twitches too. The girl’s hand- _Aster-_ she corrects herself twitches as the string pulls. Ellie blinks again. 

“Ellie? Are you going to say hello?” Her father prompts, his voice slow as he pronounces each syllable as clearly as possible for the benefit of the girl standing in front of them. His english isn’t bad- not like when they first arrived in America- but Ellie knows he’s still hyperaware of his accent. Ellie glances up at him, then reaches out, hand outstretched. She tries not to stare at the string hanging loose between them as her arm extends. 

“Hey.” She says, softly, and Aster (a pretty name, Ellie thinks) stares momentarily at the space between them. Ellie desperately wants to know if she sees the string too, if she’s as confused as Ellie is, and her heart leaps as Aster’s hand lifts as though she might touch the thin line of red between them; but it’s only the slightest movement before her fingers jerk away and her hand’s course corrects- a warm palm is placed in Ellie’s own, string completely ignored. Ellie lets out a breath. If her father and Aster aren’t reacting to the sudden appearance of knitting materials between the two girls, clearly Ellie’s just having a breakdown. 

She assumes she’ll see needles in the dining hall, next. Her guidance counsellor _did_ warn her this might happen; that the brain reacts to grief and change in different ways. She makes a note with herself to decide later how many things she should allow herself to hallucinate before she tells her dad. She doesn’t want to worry him, after all; and right now she’s got more pressing matters to attend to such as how warm Aster’s palm is in hers, how it fits _just_ right. 

“Hi.” Aster responds, voice almost tentative, but there’s a friendly smile on her lips that Ellie can’t help but match. It broadens when she takes in Aster properly- her hair is slightly mussed, and there's a small streak of blue paint on her cheek that matches the flecks on her knuckles. An artist, then. Ellie's father squeezes her shoulder. 

“I’ll leave you both to it. Thank you, Aster. Say hello to your father for me.” He says, releasing his daughter and giving the girl across from him a nod. Ellie realises suddenly that Aster’s hand is still clasped in her own and she drops it suddenly, ignoring the way the string snags on Aster’s fingers as they pull away. 

She watches her father walk back towards his stairs taking him to his offices below the engine room, deep in the bowels of the ship. She’d seen it once- his _domain_ , as her mother (Ellie ignores the stab of pain at the thought) called it- years ago, when Dr. Edwin Chu had first taken the job with Viking Ocean Cruises. Back then, she’d barely understood her father’s work. She was barely six when he’d accepted the position on board one of Viking’s luxury liners, and she’d only just understood that her father would now be away for months on end, communicating with them through weekly phone calls and daily emails that she wasn’t able to read. He insisted on writing in english so they could all practise- fine for himself and her mother, harder for little Ellie who was only just becoming literate in her own language, let alone a second. 

They’d been allowed to visit his new work - home, really, Ellie thought bitterly- just once, Ellie wandering with wide eyes behind her parents as her father proudly showed them the liner. He was the ship’s 3rd Engineer, largely in charge of control room duties- a far step up from his stationmaster’s position in Squahamish, he told them. Ellie wasn’t so convinced it was when she took in his cramped bunk and the small shared quarters he was expected to live in. At least at home, with his _family_ , he’d had room to move. 

Still, even as a six year old she understood the appeal when she took in the control room. The machinery was vast and wonderful- Ellie had to be picked up by her mother to make sure she didn’t go sprinting through the space touching things- and from the way his coworkers greeted him; _deferred_ to him about tasks even as he showed his family around and was off duty, Ellie could see why her father was so happy here. 

It didn’t make things any easier when she and her mother had disembarked at the end of the day. The liner was leaving the next morning and while Ellie didn’t really understand just how long nine months were, she understood she wouldn’t be seeing her Ba for a long, long while. She’d sobbed at the dock, her mother’s arms wrapped around her as she carried her crying child away from the ship and to the car. 

Ellie hadn’t cried like that again until eight years later as she was once again carried to a car- this time, by her father; his muscles straining as he supported his fourteen year old girl away from her mother’s grave. 

The jolt of pain at the memory- still so recent- jerks her out of her reverie. She blinks unshed tears from her eyes and turns back to Aster who is waiting patiently. 

“Sorry,” She mutters, not quite wanting to explain herself. She’s not great at being vulnerable, she knows, particularly not in front of a stranger- even one she’s found herself suddenly tied to. Aster just shrugs, no judgment on her face. 

“It’s okay. It’s weird being here, I know. Took me ages to get my sea legs when I arrived.” Aster says kindly, not pressing Ellie for the reason she’s suddenly appeared on the liner after years living ashore. “Come on, I’ll show you around.” 

Ellie trails behind Aster, taking in the plain beige walls of the hallway, barely noting the rooms Aster points out. She’s focused once more on the string, lax between them; the way Aster’s eyes will occasionally flick down at it and Ellie thinks she sees it too but then she’s explaining some other facet of the ship like they’re _not_ inexplicably connected to one another, and Ellie remembers she’s actually just going insane. _Well_ , she thinks to herself, too tired to stop the thought the way she normally would one of this kind, _at least I’m hallucinating being tied to a beautiful girl instead of the captain or something._

She’s almost smiling at herself when Aster ends the tour, stopping them outside a door with a large wooden cross attached to the top. 

“This is where my dad works.” She explains, shrugging almost apologetically. Ellie blinks, not sure why they’re here. Aster hadn’t asked if she was religious, and Ellie was certainly not about to be converted by some girl she’s just met, no matter how pretty she is. Aster catches the confusion on her face and shakes her head quickly. “I know your dad doesn’t- I’m not saying you should come pray, or anything, much as I’m sure papi will try. But there’s a piano in there- your dad said you played- and it’s normally quiet during the mornings, so I thought I’d show you. So you can play, if you want.” 

Her smile is so kind, eyes wide and brown and filled with understanding, and Ellie’s suddenly worried she might cry again. Blinking furiously, she gives a short nod. 

“I- thank you. That’s really nice.” Aster just shrugs self consciously, hands clasped in front of herself as she gently rocks back on her heels. 

“No worries. I actually paint in there sometimes, when it's quiet. The light's really good. So you might have to share sometimes." She says, almost cheekily. Ellie smiles. "Well, it was nice to meet you, Ellie. Maybe I’ll see you at dinner?” She looks almost hopeful, and Ellie can’t help but agree. 

“Yeah. Dinner.” She says, softly, and tries not to notice how the string stretches between them, lengthening effortlessly as Aster walks away.


	2. Chapter 2

The days of summer drag on in an endless mix of grief and confusion, seasickness and exhaustion, and a growing sense of familiarity with her surroundings. 

The first few weeks aboard, Ellie can barely sleep or eat. She misses home- yes, Squahamish, that bland and whitewashed place where she and her mother were merely tolerated at the best of times- misses her mother’s voice in the kitchen; the way she’d get the combination of chilli and five spice  _ just  _ right when she made dinner; her laugh as she and Ellie reenacted dramatic scenes from their favourite old films. 

Ba somehow sources a Wim Wenders collection DVD for her, and she stays up for three days straight, watching on repeat as though willing her mother’s voice to join her in reciting the lines. She watches Wings of Desire again and again and again, wondering if her mother is here, somewhere, comforting her as the angels in the film are. Her mother was already an angel in real life, she thinks bitterly; surely it’s not too much to hope that she’s still one now. 

Her father’s snores are loud in the room, though, and they only serve to remind her there’s no angel bringing comfort, just her father trying his best. On the fourth night of this, he finally puts his foot down and tells her in no uncertain terms he’d be confiscating the DVD player if she stays up again; so she waits until he’s asleep and sneaks into the rec room. It’s empty at this hour- everyone is either on shift or asleep- and she slides the DVD in, turning down the volume and hitting play. She doesn’t need the sound- doesn’t even need the subtitles, at this point, she knows the dialogue so well- and settles on the couch, transfixed, fingers mindlessly fiddling with the string on her finger. 

She’s used to it now, this extra attachment. It won’t come off- she’s tried several times with several different implements- so she’s decided to mostly just ignore it. The string doesn’t seem to have a purpose beyond keeping her attached to Aster Flores in some way. She doesn’t actually see the girl often, despite what she’d said about painting in the chapel some mornings- it turns out that Aster spends much of her time helping her mother teach art classes to passengers- but the string is a constant clue as to her general whereabouts. 

Once or twice Ellie has walked the length of the ship, trying to discern if there’s a limit to the distance it stretches- there’s not. It doesn’t get tangled or snared; passingly magically- well, if it’s not her imagination then it  _ is  _ magic, she muses- through people, under doors, around objects, constantly tethering her to the kind girl with the paint splattered clothing, no matter where they are. 

So mostly, she just ignores it. Occasionally it will twitch or pull as though it’s being tugged on, but generally Ellie forgets it’s there. It’s only on the rare occasions she’s with Aster- the few mornings they’ve spent together in the chapel, Aster painting peacefully while Ellie looses herself in music, the string laying across the floor between them; or in the dining or rec rooms when Aster will catch her eye across the room and give her a smile or a wave, string waggling between them with the movement of Aster’s hand- that she’s hyper aware of its presence. 

That’s why she half jumps out of her skin when her hand gives a sharp jerk about halfway through the film, and a sleepy voice speaks up from behind her. 

“You know it tickles when you do that, right?” 

Ellie’s hand leaps to her chest and she turns, heart thundering as she takes in the sight of a very disgruntled looking Aster behind her. The girl is clad in thick flannel pyjamas and looks distinctly unimpressed as she twitches her fingers, and Ellie’s heart doesn’t have a chance to slow down as the string between them tugs again. 

Aster, she realises,  _ knows _ . Aster takes one look at the bewildered stare Ellie’s giving her and makes her way to the couch, settling across from her. 

“You’ve woken me up every night this week with the fidgeting. I’ve been mostly able to ignore it, but it’s three am and it’s a  _ lot.”  _ She says, straightforward but not unkind, looking directly at Ellie. Ellie just blinks at her. 

“You noticed?” She asks in astonishment, and Aster just gives a snort, raising her hand and gesturing at the string on her pinkie. 

“Did I notice the sudden appearance of a piece of twine attaching me to someone I’ve just met? Yes, Ellie, I noticed.” Aster responds, dryly. “You just didn’t seem to want to talk about it so I was willing to let it go for now.” 

Ellie frowns. “Oh. That’s...nice of you. I kind of thought I was going mad, to be honest. Good to know it’s not just me, though.” 

Aster gives a quiet laugh.

“Oh, me too. Then I thought I saw you looking at it a couple of times, but it didn’t make any sense that we were suddenly tied to each other, so…” she shrugs. “It just seemed easier to pretend it wasn’t happening if you were doing the same. But you’re messing with my sleep cycle now, girl, and that’s just  _ dangerous.”  _ Aster grins at her, trying to be nice, but Ellie can see the deep circles under her eyes and she winces. 

“Sorry. I didn’t even realise I’d been playing with it.” She admits, staring down at the string between them. She gives it a tug, watches as it pulls tight between them and Aster’s pinky twitches forwards. She frowns, thinking. “It’s weird that it doesn’t get caught on anything, and people can just- walk through it- but then if we pull it, the other person can feel it…” 

Aster just sort of stares at her for a moment, a small smile growing on her face. “Yes, Ellie.  _ That’s  _ the weird part about it.” 

Ellie rolls her eyes. “Fine. A weird part, then. Any ideas about what it’s for?” She asks, and Aster shrugs. 

“Not a clue. I was kind of hoping you did. After all, I’d never been tied to anyone before until I met you.” Ellie sighs. 

“Me neither.” She says, and the girls sit quietly, contemplating the strangeness of their situation. Eventually, Ellie asks,

“What do we do?” Aster gives another shrug, but she pairs it with a smile in Ellie’s direction, shifting so she’s facing the screen more than Ellie. 

“No idea. Watch the movie for now, I guess. I’m up anyway.” She teases, poking her tongue out at Ellie, who rolls her eyes. “Looks like we’re pretty well attached, at this point, and there’s only so much thinking I can do at this hour. We focus on Wenders now, this string situation tomorrow.” 

She says with an air of finality, turning towards the screen. Ellie watches her for a few moments, a soft smile on her face, but then Aster’s breaking into a smile, eyes still on the movie. “Stop thinking, Ellie.” She reprimands, softly, and Ellie gives out a little laugh before she, too, turns to the movie. 

* * *

They spend a lot more time together after that night. The awkwardness of the unspoken between them is gone, and Ellie finds they gravitate toward each other most days, consciously or otherwise. Some mornings Ellie will find herself following the string to Aster without realising until she’s standing near the girl, matching Aster’s smile with one of her own. She comes to know when Aster’s planning to spend the morning painting in the chapel by the three firm tugs she receives- Aster’s way of telling her the space she’s quickly coming to view as  _ theirs _ is free. 

It turns out Aster’s much more than just an aspiring artist. Fourteen just like Ellie (though a full seven months younger, Ellie is thrilled to find out), she also has an impressive collection of texts borrowed from the ship’s library- poetry and British literature and all the genre Ellie herself loves. She’s more than willing to share with Ellie, too, and the girls find themselves spending hours side by side in their families’ cabins, trawling through thick texts and reading out passages to one another. 

Aster’s parents have been working for the liner for over a decade, it transpires. Her father is a deacon who had joined the crew one summer, a cheap way to see the world  _ and  _ spread God’s word; and had ended up meeting her mother- a young artist on a student cruise- on his first voyage. They’d stayed in contact after the cruise by letter, and she’d joined the crew the next summer as an art teacher, the pair inseparable since then. 

“It was like  _ fate _ . They’re soulmates.” Aster explains one night, eyes wide with raw belief in what she’s saying, and Ellie has to work hard not to roll her eyes.  _ Fate and destiny and soulmates don’t exist,  _ she wants to scream.  _ Otherwise my mother would still be alive, she’d still be here, and my father’s eyes wouldn’t be so blank and I’d be in Squahamish making fun of her bad French and she’d read me only the first half of his letters and keep the rest to herself, pressed right against her chest as she went to sleep and he’d come home each term break to see us and we’d be a family not just two sad people on a sad boat.  _

But she doesn’t scream. Instead she just smiles thinly at Aster, lets her believe in love and her parent’s happy future, and quietly wishes for this summer to end so Aster and her stupid happy parents will go back to Sacramento with their stupid happy lives and Ellie can watch the string between them unravel and pretend it’s not there at all. 


	3. Chapter 3

_School_ on board a cruise ship is different than Ellie had envisioned. Not that she’d envisioned it much, to be fair. It consists of herself and a handful of other staffer’s children in a range of ages spending their weekdays in the rec room. They’re meant to be completely work set by whatever home-schooling body they’re enrolled with, and; watched over by whatever teaching-adjacent employee isn’t currently tending to passengers. These supervisors are _technically_ teachers, Ellie supposes- but while great at their jobs, the subjects they teach are generally craft activities catered either to the very old or very young, not schoolwork; and Ellie finds that she’s mostly on her own. She’s always been bright, thankfully, so she’s quite content to just work through whatever’s been assigned for the month; marking pages in her book to look up later or ask her dad if she’s really stuck. 

Generally, cruise employees’ families live on land unless there’s no other option; so Ellie’s ‘classroom’ isn’t ever filled with more than four or five children, depending on the rotating staff of whatever cruise she’s on. The only constants are the Captain’s kids- two boys of eight, twins, and total nightmares, staying with their mom over the year to spend more time with her- and a boy about her age, Paul. Paul, she gathers, is the child of the staff’s head chef and her sous-chef; he’s lived on board his whole life. They don’t talk much- Ellie doesn’t want to be an intellectual snob but Paul seems...not smart- and Ellie’s somewhat too busy dealing with her own stuff to notice him much. 

Which is what makes her stare in blank confusion when he follows her out of class one day, joining her at a trot as she speeds towards her cabin. 

“Hey!” He says, seemingly oblivious to her blank look. “Ellie, right?” 

She just raises her eyebrows at him and he grins down at her. “I’m Paul.” 

“Yes.” She replies. She’s aware of this, obviously- they’ve been sitting in the same room most days for about three months, now. Even with her headphones steadfastly in, she’s learnt the names of the few other kids on the boat. Paul still doesn’t seem phased by her cool demeanor.

“I know you’re all...thinky, and stuff, which is cool, but I thought if we’re going to be living together for the rest of the year- not _living_ together, obviously, I know we have our own cabins, I mean, with our families, but on the same deck and everything, anyway-” He frowns at himself, seemingly confused, before his smile breaks free again, “ _Anyway._ But given we’re the only other teenagers on here, and will be until at least April when the next crew comes on, I thought we could maybe be friends?” 

He stares at her hopefully, and Ellie slows to a halt. 

“Friends?” She confirms, confused, and he gives a pleased nod. 

“Yeah!” He says, and she just blinks at him. Paul sighs, rubbing the back of his head. “Look, I’ve been living here my whole life. Kids- they come and go, but almost _no one_ is here the whole year. I’ve got friends, obviously- lots of crew come back for the summer cruises, and there’s kids there I’ve known forever,” _Like Aster,_ Ellie thinks, her pinky twitching slightly at the thought as Paul speaks, “But it’s lonely being the only one, you know? And Ma said you’d be here for a while- I know you’re living with your dad, now, and Dr. Chu’s been here since I was like, five- so I thought, maybe, friends?” 

He looks so incredibly hopeful, Ellie thinks. She finds that despite her frosty demeanor, she’s unable to say no to someone who looks so entirely _good_. She sighs. 

“Fine.” She says, and he opens his mouth so say more but then her pinky is being tugged at, _hard_ , and she remembers why she was rushing in the first place. 

“I’ve got to go!” She exclaims, already turning, and leaves Paul standing in the hallway, beaming. 

* * *

The first email had arrived last night, three weeks after summer ended. Ellie frowned in confusion at the unexpected address in her inbox; a stark contrast to the few spam emails she generally receives and the even fewer words of correspondence from those back in Squahamish. Mostly, she just hears from her old English teacher, Mrs. Geselschap, as well as the occasional kind peer who thinks to periodically check on her. More often than not, these check-ins deviate to some request for help on an assignment; but Ellie finds she doesn’t mind having more to do. 

Last night, though, was a surprise. 

**_You have 1 Unread email from:_ ** **_afflores@gmail.com_ **

Ellie frowned, but clicked through immediately. 

She hadn’t expected to hear from Aster. 

They’d exchanged contact details at the end of summer, somewhat obligatorily, Ellie had thought- just something kids did when they’d spent most of three months side by side. She’d figured that Aster would go back to her life and eventually forget the sad, bespeckled girl she was mysteriously tied to. Aster had seemed more hopeful, of course- _email me the_ moment _it runs out,_ she’d said, holding on to the string between them, _I want to know how far it goes. I’ll watch on my end, too, and we’ll work out our locations and how long it is._ Ellie had nodded, agreeing. She _was_ interested, after all. She just figured that after the string broke, the distance between them too wide, their friendship would too. 

But the string never broke, not even now while Ellie is halfway past _Norway_ , and there was never a cause for an email. 

Except there, in her inbox, one was sitting. 

_Dear Ellie Chu,_ it read, 

_I hope this message finds you well. I’m back in Sacramento, using my study period to ignore the mountain of homework I already have. Why does every school think Freshman year is the right time to make kids read Romeo and Juliet? Aren’t we all angsty enough? Honestly, half the couples in my class ‘broke up’ over summer and are acting like The Bard wrote specifically for them. I’m all for a star-crossed love story, but most of us are barely 15!!!!_

_How are you? My guess is you’re somewhere in Scandinavia right now, if memory serves me correctly. We had a day off in Denmark a couple of summers ago, and it was wonderful. See if you can get some shore leave with your dad? I’d love a postcard (you still have my address, right?)_

_I’m sorry I haven’t emailed yet, but coming back to school has been hectic as ever. What’s cruise school like? Paul- you know Paul, right? Says it’s hard, but he’s...well, he has different interests than you, let’s just say._

_But I’ve been doing some research about our..situation, and we need to talk, I think. I’ve got study hall again tomorrow morning- after school your time- and I’m booking out a computer with headphones so we can talk properly. Do you have skype? If not, get it. My username is just Aster.Flores. I’ll pull twice when I’m online so you’re not waiting around, okay?_

Which is what leads Ellie to her haste now, racing into her cabin and locking the door behind her. She doesn’t know why she needs the privacy- her dad is working late tonight and no one just walks into their cabin unannounced, anyway- but something about Aster’s email made it seem like they needed a private space to talk. Ellie’s only slightly nervous as she logs on to the computer, pulling up her father’s mostly unused skype account and hovering over the ‘ _add contact’_ option. 

What do they need to talk about? What if Aster has worked out how to sever the cord? Ellie doesn’t know if she’d be relieved or sad to have the connection between them broken. Those first few months aboard after her mother’s death had felt so lonely to Ellie- she’d felt completely untethered to the world she’d known. It was only Aster acknowledging the physical connection between them that gave Ellie a lifeline, something to hold on to as she worked through her grief. She was far from over her mother’s death, of course, but the string connecting herself and Aster had grounded her more than she’d realised until this moment, faced with the thought that the string might be cut. 

Still, she has to know. The string on her finger tugs again, and Ellie smiles at the impatient move from Aster, halfway across the world. She tugs back, clicking on the button and typing in Aster’s contact information. Seconds later her request is accepted and a _request call?_ button is flashing on her screen. 

Ellie shoves her headphones into her ears and hits _accept_ , worried frown easing instantly into a smile as Aster’s face appears on screen. 

“Hey!” The girl exclaims, screen momentarily freezing before resuming. It’s not the highest definition but Ellie doesn’t mind, happy to see her friend’s face again in any context. Her stomach fills with warmth as she realises how much she’s missed the girl in front of her. 

“Hey.” She says softly, smiling into the camera. Sacramento Aster is slightly different from Summer Aster, Ellie notices as she gazes happily at the screen. She’s more put together, Ellie realises. She’s wearing make up- not much, but her lashes are definitely longer and darker than they were when Ellie had last seen her (not that she spent a lot of time staring at Aster’s lashes, of course, she’d just... _noticed)-_ her hair is in a braid that’s almost purposefully messy and there’s not a skerrick of paint on her. Despite her put together appearance, Ellie can’t help but notice that her shoulders are slightly more rounded through the screen, eyes less bright than they were on the boat. Like she’s almost hiding herself, Ellie thinks. 

Or maybe it’s just the call’s connection, she corrects herself, realising that instead of having a conversation she’s just staring at the screen. Aster isn’t faring much better, she notes, similarly just taking in Ellie. 

“So...you wanted to talk?” Ellie asks, breaking the silence. Aster blinks herself out of whatever she was thinking, nodding and then glancing around her as if to ensure no one’s listening. 

“Yeah. Sorry, it just...seems weird talking about _this_ from so far away.” She says, lifting her arm slightly. Ellie nods. They’d only ever referenced it out of earshot from others. It wasn’t exactly explainable to others, after all. “But I was doing some research. When the cord didn’t break and we still didn’t have any answers I thought- hey, maybe we’re not the only crazy ones. So I tried google. And it turns out maybe we’re _not_ crazy.” 

_“A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?”_ Ellie murmurs to herself. Aster raises a puzzled brow. “Einstein. Sorry, continue.” 

Aster looks around again, takes a deep breath. “Just...bare with me on this, Ellie. Because it’s a lot. Have you ever heard of the red string of fate?” 

Ellie frowns. As Aster says it the term sounds vaguely familiar, but she can’t place it. Aster waits, but when Ellie shakes her head, coming up empty, she continues. “It’s from East Asia- originating from Chinese Mythology, actually. It’s called...Yin-you- hang on, I can’t say the words- I’ll send it to you…” 

A few seconds later, a line of text in mandarin and a wikipedia link pop up in the chat box. Ellie frowns as she reads the all too familiar characters. 

_姻缘红线._

_“Yīnyuán hóngxiàn.”_ Ellie correct’s Aster’s attempt quietly, eyes glued on the words taunting her from the screen. 

She knows now why what Aster said sounded vaguely familiar. She’d heard the words many times, just never in english. But she knew the folklore well- a bedtime story told to her by her mother many times as a child. She closes her eyes, lets the memory float back over her.

_“In a village long ago, a young boy meets an old man- the matchmaker god_ _Yue Xia Lao. Yue Xia Lao explains to the boy that he is attached to his destined wife by a red thread, and shows him the young girl who is destined to be his wife. Sure enough, there is a red thread between them.” Her mother would say, Ellie curled up by her side, eyes already drifting shut at the familiar tale and her mother’s soothing voice. “Being young and having no interest yet in marrying, the young boy throws a rock at the girl, striking her and running away.”_

_Ellie used to frown at that point, not understanding. Her mother would press a gentle kiss on her forehead and explain, just as patiently as she had the first time Ellie had questioned the boy’s actions._

_“Some people get scared, my love. The thought of being destined for someone- and finding out so young- seems impossible and to many, terrifying. The boy’s actions were cruel, of course, but he was a child, scared and lashing out.” Ellie frowned at that. She would never lash out at her fated one, she promised herself. No matter how scary the thought. Her mother continued._

_“Many years later, when the boy has grown into a young man, his parents arrange a wedding for him. On the night of his wedding, his wife waits for him in their bedroom, with the traditional veil covering her face. Raising it, the man is delighted to find that his wife is one of the great beauties of his village. However, she wears an adornment on her eyebrow. He asks her why she wears it and she responds that when she was a young girl, a boy threw a rock at her that struck her, leaving a scar on her eyebrow. She self-consciously wears the adornment to cover it up. The woman is, in fact, the same young girl connected to the man by the red thread shown to him by Yue Xia Lao back in his childhood, showing that they were connected by the red thread of fate- Two people connected by the red thread to be destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances.” It didn’t matter how many times Ellie heard the story, she still felt a thrill of satisfaction at the ending; knowing that these two were destined to be together by something as simple as red string. One night- the last night she’d let her mother tell the story- she looked up at her mother and asked,_

_“When did you and Ba see your red string, Māmā?” Her mother smiled and looked across at her husband, quietly clearing up some of Ellie’s toys before he joined them for a final goodnight kiss._

_“Not everyone has a red thread,_ Bǎobǎo. _I certainly didn’t need one to know I was destined to be with your father, nor he with me.” Ellie had frowned at that, the magic of the story almost instantly lost. If her parents- two people who loved each other more than anyone she’d ever seen- didn’t have a red string, then clearly the whole story wasn’t realistic. She knew, then, that she was like her mother. She didn’t need a piece of string, real or imagined, to dictate her fate._

“You know the phrase, then.” Aster’s voice is soft, and pulls her out of her reverie. Opening her eyes, Ellie can see Aster’s staring almost forlornly at the string between them, trailing somewhere off camera and travelling, impossibly, across the world to Ellie. Ellie pulls on it gently, tugging to get Aster to look back up at her. She’s surprised to see Aster’s eyes filled with tears. 

“You read the story?” Ellie asks, quietly, and Aster nods miserably. She looks _so_ upset that Ellie can’t help but feel a little offended. She’s not exactly thrilled by the prospect of her destiny suddenly being mapped out by an ancient myth- one she’d sworn not to buy into as a child, one that goes against everything she believes about love and soulmates in the first place- either, but Aster doesn’t have to look so damned upset about the prospect of being tied to Ellie for eternity. She’s about to say something when Aster catches her gaze. 

“It’s not- it’s not _you_ .” She starts, before stopping and shaking her head. “Well, no, it is, but it’s not your fault. It’s just, Ellie, you’re a _girl.”_

She stares at Ellie like she’s only just realised this and Ellie blinks. Is that the problem? Not that they’ve effectively had their entire lives decided for them by a piece of craft equipment but that Ellie’s a female? 

“I mean...you did know that already, right?” Ellie tries to joke, but Aster shakes her head, stricken. 

“No, but we can’t be- we’re not-” She shakes her head again, blinking back tears. She looks around again, once more ensuring no one is in earshot. She leans forward, whispering. “It says we’re _soulmates_ , Ellie.” 

She’s scared, Ellie suddenly realises. Not just of the concept of soulmates- that, Ellie fully understands, is terrifying- but of the fact two _girls_ could be soulmates. Ellie has never sat in on Deacon Flores’ sermons but she wonders now what he’s been teaching his daughter. 

Part of her wants to go on the offence- to ask Aster exactly _what’s_ wrong with girls being soulmates, to ask how exactly the thought is so offensive to her that she’s looking at Ellie like she might at any minute throw up all over her screen- but then she sees that Aster’s hand is shaking slightly, clutching tight at the cross she wears around her neck. Aster’s eyes are filled with tears and Ellie knows she can’t attack Aster for her fear, not when she’s barely getting her head around it herself. 

So instead of lashing out, she _lies_. 

“Not in the original.” It slips out easily, the lie a balm on Aster’s fears. Ellie didn’t want her life defined by this, anyway. The lie suits her as well. “Soulmates doesn’t have to be _romantic._ It just means...our souls are tied.” 

She can feel the relief slide off Aster’s shoulders, even through the screen. 

“Oh.” She says, quietly, taking a small breath. “ _Okay._ I thought I- nevermind.” 

She gives Ellie a wobbly smile, one Ellie returns, only feeling _slightly_ guilty about her twisting of the truth. She’ll tell Aster one day, she swears. When Aster’s ready to hear it, face the gravity of their situations. 

When Ellie’s ready to face the gravity of it, too.


	4. Chapter 4

The year passes slowly and quickly all at once. 

Ellie’s fifteenth is an entirely depressing affair- the kids in her  _ class-  _ the twins, Paul, and a ten year old called Sonia who is obsessed with star wars and little else sing her a half-hearted (whole hearted, in Paul’s case) happy birthday and they a cake Paul baked that morning; and that night she and her father watch _ Casablanca _ and ignore the other’s tears at her mother’s favourite scene. Other than the cake from Paul, she’s given a thirty pack of Yackult from Ba- a treasure, one of the best gifts she’s ever received- and a letter from Aster. 

It’s a simple card- just a silly drug store buy, a cartoon boat on the front emblazoned with the words “ _ Oh ship, it’s your birthday!”  _ on it, but the sight of it- two weeks late, granted, but still- makes her beam. 

Inside only causes her smile to grow. Aster’s painted a beautiful water colour of two hands- one on the top left corner of the card, the other on the bottom right- connected by a thin red string. The painting itself is beautiful but as Ellie takes it in she’s grounded by how realistic the hands are- not just as hands but as  _ theirs _ . Aster has somehow captured Ellie perfectly- her fingers, knuckles, wrist- down to the hint of a crack on her wrist watch just where it disappears off the edge of the card. She’s momentarily flawed by Aster’s skill before she remembers that she’s probably meant to read the words, too. 

_ Ellie Chu,  _

_ Happy birthday to you!  _

_ I can’t believe you didn’t mention it when we spoke and I had to hear from Paul. Isn’t he sweet, though? He told me all about his cake plans- I hope it was as good as he claimed! I’m sorry this will arrive late (if at all)- I’m sending it to your next stop and just have to hope it gets there before the ship docks.  _

_ Only a couple more months until we meet again in person. I know we talk all the time, but is it weird I’m still excited?  _

_ Anyway.  _

_ Happy birthday, heathen!  _

_ All the best,  _

_ Aster _

Ellie smiles at the words. Since their conversation- the confirmation that there was in fact a piece of string (of  _ fate _ , apparently, though Ellie still wasn’t completely thrilled by that) between them and not just a shared hallucination- they’d been in near constant contact. They only skyped now and then- the time zones were generally too big for them to be able to arrange good times- but there were daily emails and postcards sent to Sacramento as well as the occasional letter from Aster being sent to whatever port she knew Ellie’s ship would be in next. 

Aster had taken the soulmate thing quite to heart when she’d been told it didn’t mean she had to be in love with Ellie or anything awful like that. Not that Ellie was bitter- she wasn’t in love with Aster, either, she was only just fifteen and love was for idiots who wanted to get hurt like her dad, anyway- but it still stung a bit that the  _ prospect _ of loving Ellie was so initially unsettling to Aster. 

Still, Ellie could barely blame her. She hadn’t seen much of Deacon Flores’ more...traditional teachings over summer; he could hardly preach the real hardcore sinner stuff on a sunny summer cruise after all, Aster pointed out, and the boat  _ did  _ have an anti-discrimination policy so he had to let anyone into his seafaring flock- but on land Aster painted a very different story of her father. She’d apologised for freaking out so much in an email she’d sent to Ellie soon after their first skype had hung up. 

_ Ellie,  _

_ I’m sorry for flipping out on you, there. I want to say again that it wasn’t you- the thought of you being my soulmate that was upsetting to me. Not you, personally, anyway.  _

_ But I’ve been raised in a house where love like that isn’t okay. It’s not natural, it’s not welcome, and it’s certainly not God’s way. If my father found out that my soulmate was a girl, that I was fated to be with someone like that, it….well, let’s just say it wouldn’t go well. He has some choice words for people like that and let me tell you, they’re not kind. _

_ Not that I feel the same way as him, of course. He’s raising me in Sacramento and on cruise ships, after all. I’ve been exposed to all kinds of people. Even heathens like you, Ellie Chu! (Don’t worry- you’re my favourite heathen). I’m just...not like that, myself, and the thought of the- what, the world? The fates? God? My father? Thinking that I was, was just a bit too much to handle.  _

_ Not that there’d be anything wrong if you were. Like that. I wouldn’t have a problem with it, or anything. I’m just. Not.  _

_ But I could hardly judge my soulmate for something, could I? If we’re fated to be friends that’s gotta mean despite anything. Unless you’re a Lakers fan- in this friendship, we’re pro Kings, okay?  _

_ I just wanted to let you know, though, that it wasn’t you I was freaking out about, okay? Believe me, Ellie, if I’m due to be stuck with anyone for the rest of my life I am very happy it’s you. Even those three months we spent getting to know each other were enough to make me sure we’d be friends no matter what- string or otherwise.  _

_ “You do not know how much they mean to me, my friends, _

_ And how, how rare and strange it is, to find _

_ In a life composed so much, so much of odds and ends, _

_ (For indeed I do not love it ... you knew? you are not blind! How keen you are!) _

_ To find a friend who has these qualities, _

_ Who has, and gives _

_ Those qualities upon which friendship lives. _

_ How much it means that I say this to you- _

_ Without these friendships-life, what cauchemar!” _

_ ―  **T.S. Eliot** _

_ I’ll see you in eight months. Pull the string if you need me, okay? I’m just on the other end ;)  _

_ Yours, Aster  _

* * *

The sting had eased somewhat after Aster’s apology but some nights Ellie found herself up and fretting, worried about what would happen when Aster found out her friend  _ was _ ‘like that’; and even worse- when she found out that Ellie had been lying about the meaning of the myth. She’d done more research since their talk, of course, looking at all the material she could find just to make sure she hadn’t actually been right about what she’d told Aster- but alas. All records indicated that the red string meant something stronger than friendship. 

Maybe the string was wrong sometimes, she thought to herself. Maybe she was destined to be in love with Aster forever-  _ fine _ , if she had to be- but Aster was just destined to be friends with Ellie. Maybe it was a one-sided string. Ellie could work with that, if she had to. She wasn’t entirely convinced she  _ wanted  _ to go along with this ridiculous string myth, but given how firmly it was attached to her pinkie it didn’t feel like she had much choice. 

But time passes, as it is wont to do, and all of a sudden, it’s summer break. The ship is docked and it’s the morning the crew for this summer’s cruise of the caribbean aboard. Ellie and Paul have pulled themselves up bright and early to stand on deck, greeting everyone as they come on board. 

Paul’s idea that they be friends was, surprisingly to Ellie, a good one. He’s kind and patient and  _ thoughtful _ , and Ellie finds herself less frustrated at his lack of vocabulary and more endeared by it, most days. He puts up with her closedness, waiting patiently for her to open up; needling out information from her in a way that feels comforting, not threatening. It’s Paul she opens up to about the loss of her mother, the final memories of their time together; her feelings about adjusting to life on a boat. She talks to Aster about these things, of  _ course  _ she does. But there’s a difference between typing words and sending them across the world, safe from vulnerability through the screen of a laptop, and pouring your heart out to a friend as he gently hits ping pong balls back along the table at you, the slow, rhythmic volley the soundtrack to your growing friendship. 

Paul is safe. He’s safe and stable and he’s here. 

Aster is….well, Aster’s her soulmate. There’s nothing safe about that, not at all. And she’s been  _ there _ all year, thousands of miles of ocean between them. 

But now she’s coming back. Paul is- es ever- happy to see everyone, greeting old and new faces alike. Ellie stands back, partially hidden behind her friend as she scans the faces of those coming up the gangplank for the one face she actually cares about seeing again. 

She woke up this morning, her finger pulling almost painfully. Aster’s taken to tugging at the string in fits of emotion- excited, scared, angry, sad- sometimes just to annoy Ellie into paying her attention on skype or replying to an email; Ellie’s not sure  _ how  _ but she can somehow tell what Aster’s trying to say by the speed or strength of the pull. This morning it was, obviously, pure excitement- they’d only been waiting for this moment for months, after all- and now it’s tugging again, even more furiously, than earlier. She reaches up on her toes, steadying herself against Paul for added height as she searches the crown in the direction her hand’s being tugged. Her eyes scan the faces and there-  _ there.  _ There she is. 

Aster’s smiling face cuts its way through the crowd as she weaves excitedly towards Ellie and Paul. Ellie drops back down to her heels and starts to weave toward Aster, the string shortening between them, almost rappelling them into one another. Finally, they collide. Aster’s arms wrap around her back, Ellie’s arms fling up and over her shoulders and they stand there, ignoring the crowd around them. She feels Aster turn her head towards Ellie’s face and Ellie scrunches her eyes shut, willing her heart to slow the fuck down. 

“You’re here.” She hears Aster whisper and Ellie nods, arms tightening around Aster in response. Suddenly, there’s another pair of arms wrapping around them both- Paul’s. He lifts them- both of them, somehow- for a moment before dropping them down. 

“The gang! The trio!” He caws in delight, and Aster lets out a confused laugh. His arms drop from around them and he allows Ellie and Aster to separate as they begin their walk back up the gangplank. Catching her look, he pouts. “What?” 

“We’ve literally never hung out altogether. You and Ellie weren’t even friends last time I was here, Paul.” Aster points out, and Ellie nods in agreement, although she’s smiling. Paul just shrugs. 

“Doesn’t matter. Ellie and I are friends now-  _ best friends _ , actually, and we both like you so you’re in our gang. The three best friends that anyone could have!” He sings, and as he leads them towards the staff deck Aster turns to Ellie, brow raised in amusement. 

“Best friends, hm?” She teases, and Ellie flushes at the look on Aster’s face. She was pretty last summer, Ellie knows this, but now- now she’s  _ hot _ . Ellie blinks the thought away. Nope. “You got a string on the other pinky I should know about?” 

Ellie gives a half-shaky laugh, lifting their hands between them. “Just the one, don’t you worry. He’s my not-fate-assigned bestie.” 

Aster hums happily, tugging on the string between them until Ellie’s hand is close enough for her to grab.

“Good.” She says, simply, and Ellie hates the way her heart speeds up. “Because I hate to share.” 


	5. Chapter 5

Their friendship picks up incredibly easily, a transition from letters and email to in-person not as fumbling as Ellie feared. It’s a relief to hear Aster respond to her jokes in real time, head tilted back in a laugh that fills the room. She smiles when Ellie speaks, eyes catching hers across the table, and Ellie wonders how many of her words had made Aster smile the same way; whether their banter across emails made her look at the screen with the same open fondness she has as they debate the Hepburns with such intensity that Paul ends up making himself popcorn to fully appreciate the sparring. 

‘I have no idea what’s going on.’ He admits midway through, ‘But I love it.’

Occasionally, though, Ellie gets the sense that the other shoe hasn’t dropped. Aster’s kind,  _ always _ , and she’s so nice to be around and she genuinely seems like she’s enjoying herself every moment that they spend together, but there are moments when Ellie wonders if everything is as okay as they seem. Sometimes, she catches Aster frowning thoughtfully, eyes slightly glazed in concentration as though she’s working out some great puzzle. Or they’ll be watching a movie and in her periphery, she’ll notice Aster’s eyes tracing the lines of her face like she’s a painting Aster’s not quite happy with. But the moment she sees Ellie looking she always smiles, or ducks her head, or makes a joke and the moment goes as quickly as it had come, leaving Ellie to wonder if she was imagining it all. 

* * *

They’re sitting in her cabin one day, each finished with their day’s ‘work’, reading quietly while they wait for Paul to finish his shift. Although not paid much- their room and board on the ship is free all summer, after all, the three teens are all old enough now to have small jobs around the ship; something akin to a summer job that keeps the days from wearing on too long. Paul’s working the second class restaurant, serving passengers. Aster splits her time between lifeguarding one of the smaller pools on the upper deck and taking a couple of senior art classes. Ellie plays piano, mostly at the restaurant bars, but she occasionally finds herself out by the bar near Aster’s pool, seated at an entirely garish grand piano. She thinks it’s wildly obnoxious- a huge white grand piano by the side of a first class lounge pool- and they make her wear a  _ hat _ , but the view she has of the pool, of a certain lifeguard chair, makes up for the long hours of mindlessly playing jazz covers. 

They’ve each just finished one such shift, separating briefly to shower and change before reconvening in Ellie’s cabin. Dr. Chu is the chief engineer, now, and as a result has not been given a room without bunk beds but a  _ suite _ . It’s not huge in terms of square footage- but compared to most of the staff cabins on the ship it’s ginormous. Ellie’s ‘room’ is actually just a small side room, normally used as an office. It consists of a chest of drawers where a bookcase would normally be and a single bed pushed up against the wall. They’ve left the desk, though, on both Ellie and Edwin’s request, shoved into the spare space of the room. Edwin’s bedroom- a double bed and a couple of wardrobes- and a bathroom (complete with a bath!) finish the suite. It’s a supreme upgrade from the more cramped cabin they’d been living in when Ellie had arrived and Edwin was second officer; and a very far cry indeed from the Flores and Munsky bunks. It wasn’t a hard choice at the start of summer as to where they’d meet most days. 

They’re sitting side by side, reading quietly- Aster is halfway through a book called  _ Remains of the Day,  _ which she’s already told Ellie about four times she’ll have to read next, while Ellie is almost finished with Maurice, a book she’s decidedly  _ not  _ recommended to Aster. The silence between them is comfortable, each happy to be fully focused on their books when Edwin comes in, tie partly unfastened. 

“Ba!” Ellie exclaims, not used to seeing her dad back so early. “Zěnmeliǎo?” 

Her father sighs, taking of his glasses and rubbing his eyes. “Zhǐshì tóuténg, dàn quán tiān qíngkuàng biàn dé yuè lái yuè zāo. Tāmen bǎ wǒ sòng huí jiā guòyè. Nǚháimen jièyì wǎnshàng qù qítā dìfāng ma? Wǒ xūyào xiūxí.” He says tiredly, and Ellie loves that even while he’s feeling unwell he still looks apologetic at the thought of putting them out. She’s about to respond in the affirmative- of course they’ll let him be- when Aster beats her to it. 

“Of course, Dr. Chu. It’s no problem. We’ll go to the library, we can read there.” She says, already closing her book, and it takes Ellie a moment to register what just happened. Her father, however, notices right away. 

“Nǐ dǒng wǒ de?” He asks in confusion, and Ellie blinks, because-  _ what. _ Aster blushes and shrugs. 

“Oh. I guess? I took up Mandarin this year, switched out of Spanish first term. I’m picking it up okay.” She explains, and both Ellie and her father look at her in confusion. Aster shrugs. 

“My parents didn’t get why I wouldn’t go for the easy A, but that’s not why I learn. ‘ An investment in knowledge pays the best interest’, and all that.” She quotes, and Ellie is still just blinking at her. Edwin, however, smiles broadly. 

“I can see why you and my daughter are such good friends.” He says, replacing his glasses and nodding at the girls. Aster smiles at him, both of them seemingly not noticing the stunned Ellie beside them. “Goodnight, you two.” 

He heads into his room, door closing behind him, and Ellie waits until she can hear the door to the bathroom open and close as well before she turns to Aster. 

“You speak Mandarin?” She asks, half a challenge, and Aster gives a half shrug. 

“No, I’m learning Mandarin. I don’t speak it by any stretch.” She says, and Ellie frowns. “Why?” She asks, and Aster looks almost offended. 

“Because it’s the most spoken language in the world?” She says, but Ellie knows that’s not the reason. She can tell from the way Aster’s not quite making eye contact with her that it’s not. 

“Because my best friend speaks it?” She tries again, and Ellie just slowly folds her arms, giving Aster a clear  _ I’m waiting _ face. Aster sighs. “Because you’re my-” Her voice lowers, wary of the thinness of the doors separating them from Ellie’s father. “ _ soulmate _ , and I wanted to know more about it, okay? I wanted to look from the original source.”

Ellie blinks at her. Aster had gone out of her way to learn an  _ entirely new language  _ just so she could research something at its source. If destiny hadn’t already told them they were soulmates, that alone would have tipped her off to the fact. 

But it also means, however, that Aster….

“Were you ever going to tell me?” Aster asks, quietly, and there’s a hurt to her tone that Ellie  _ knows _ she’s caused. And she knows exactly what Aster’s talking about, even before the girl clarifies. “The truth, I mean. Were you ever going to tell me?” 

Ellie sighs. She knew this would happen eventually- that somehow or another, Aster would find out what the strings really meant. She just hadn’t particularly wanted it to be tonight. She’s still aware, however, that her dad is close by- and asked them for quiet so he could rest- so she shuts her book and places it on the night stand, scooting off the bed. 

“Come on.” She says, not quite looking at Aster. Which is fine, because Aster hasn’t made eye contact with her for the last few minutes. “Not here.” 

* * *

They walk in almost silence to the library. It’s almost empty at this hour- dinner service is still on, and only a few passengers are wandering the stacks. Ellie and Aster walk until they find a spot toward the back, an empty set of chairs with enough space around them that they can’t be easily overheard. They sit across from each other in tense silence. Finally, Ellie speaks. 

“Would you have wanted to know?” She asks, and Aster’s jaw tenses. Ellie gives a snort. “Yeah. That’s why I didn’t. I didn't want you to think you were  _ like that _ .” 

She says the words so bitterly that she knows she’s revealing too much of herself here, that she’s not just confirming that  _ yes _ , she lied about what the mythos says it means to be soulmates but also that she’s exactly what Aster’s worried about. Not that they have much choice- soulmates, after all- but Ellie’s known this about herself for years. She didn’t need a red string to tell her she likes girls; that was just an extra twist in the gut. Match her with a (probably) straight girl. Thanks, Fate. She’d known the whole thing was a farce ever since her mother told Ellie that she and her father  _ didn’t  _ have one. 

“Ellie, I-”

“What, Aster? You don’t judge me? Don’t have a problem with it? Look at you. You can barely  _ look  _ at me.” She sneers, and Aster blinks back tears furiously, shaking her head. “So much for despite anything.”

Ellie stands to leave. Aster can’t look at her but Ellie knows that when she does, it will be a look filled with the same disgust and fear she’d had in her eyes that very first day over skype. Ellie can’t face having that look turned towards her. She’s mid-turn when her string pulls, hard, sharply tugging against her finger. She turns, eyes full of fire, but Aster’s standing, her own eyes ablaze with rage and shame and something Ellie can’t place. 

“That’s not  _ why.”  _ She says, jaw still tense, eyes thick with tears. And she’s not looking at Ellie- still not able to bring her eyes above Ellie’s chin- but her voice is set, like she knows what she wants to say and that she has to say it no matter how terrifying it is. “It’s not  _ you.”  _

Ellie snorts. 

“Yeah, you said that already.” She wants to leave, desperately wants to escape this situation, but Aster’s got her hand wrapped around the string, keeping it tight, holding Ellie in place. She’s not sure how it can travel for mile upon mile, across continents, yet stay taut between them as long as one of them wants it to. Still, she stays. 

“Then  _ listen _ to me.” Aster says harshly, and Ellie stops trying to pull herself free.

“Fine.” She mutters, sinking back into the chair. Some of the tension disappears from Aster’s shoulders and she slumps back into her own chair. 

“Thankyou.” She rubs tiredly at her face, sitting forward in her chair. Ellie waits, stiff in her own chair. Finally, Aster begins to speak, gaze still fixed just below Ellie’s chin. 

“Do you know the first thing I did when I got home last summer? I confessed.” Aster admits, sadly, eyes trained unblinkingly downwards. “I sat in that box and I told Father Shanley I’d been having impure thoughts about my best friend. Thoughts I’d- I’d had before, once or twice. But I’d never told anyone. Not in confession, to Father Shanley, or my mom, not even  _ God _ . They were feelings I...kept for myself.” She swallows. 

“But then I met you, Ellie. And you’re so smart, and perceptive, and you just- you  _ saw _ me, in a way no one else ever has. And the thoughts, the feelings- they were too much. There were too many, and I didn’t know what to do with them. I couldn’t tuck them away like I used to. So I sat in that little box and I confessed.” Aster’s eyes flutter shut briefly, and when she opens them they’re still trained towards Ellie but not quite  _ at  _ her. “But Father Shanley didn’t damn me to hell. He didn’t need to. He just explained I was confused by what I was feeling. That female friendships, close ones, they can be super intense. He’s known me my whole life, and in all that time I’ve never really had a proper girl- friend before. Or a best friend at all. So when I met you it was so  _ new _ , you know? So new and nice and even without this string between us I think I would have felt that.” She finally glances at Ellie, just briefly. “That connection. Understood.” 

She sighs, and rubs her face. “What Shanley said made sense to me- that I didn’t expect to feel so  _ much,  _ and I was missing my first real friend, that I was confusing the intensity of real friendship for something more, something  _ wrong. _ I’d been so scared by what I was feeling the last few weeks of the trip, and then in an instant he made me realise it was okay. That  _ I  _ was okay.” 

She doesn’t sound okay, though. There’s a bitter edge to her voice, one that make Ellie wonder if she’d ever really believed the Father’s words. 

“I clung to the feeling, still. The closeness. The string hadn’t broken like we thought it would, and I missed you- like everyone misses their best friend, right?” She gives a hollow laugh. “And I looked up our string because I wanted to understand, I wanted to know why we had this thing no one else could feel and I read it and I  _ knew, Ellie, I knew  _ it was true, even though that didn’t- I wasn’t…” 

Aster buries her head in her hands. “I wasn’t meant to be this way. My life, the one my parents have worked so hard for- it’s not meant to look like  _ this. _ ” She lifts the string between them helplessly. “And I know it sounds terrible, but I’d been comforted by what Father Shanley said. That I was just confused; that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. But if we really were soulmates? It meant that whatever I thought I felt during summer, whatever I’d tried to convince myself was just a great friendship was  _ real _ .” 

She looks at Ellie then. Finally, actually, looks at her. And her eyes are raw with pain and fear abd Ellie just wants to reach out, grab her and say  _ its okay, its okay, this is okay,  _ but she can’t. There’s no point. Ellie can tell her that what she’s feeling is okay for all eternity but until Aster can say it to herself, and  _ believe  _ it, all Ellie’s consolations will fall on deaf ears. 

“And if it’s real, that means my dad will hate me. My mom will be so disappointed, my family, Shanley,  _ God,  _ I-“ She takes a deep shuddering breath, trying to stop herself from falling apart altogether, and smiles sadly at Ellie, pain etched on her face. “I had this secret, stashed in me. But I knew at least- at least you would have the same secret. That you’d understand. You had to, right? That’s what the string meant. **”**

Ellie nods, softly, confirming. Yes, she’d had the same secret. Of course she’d felt what Aster had. How could she not? Aster just stares at her for a few seconds, looks at her as though that quiet confirmation hurts more than it comforts. 

“I was so scared when I called you, but excited, too. Like I could finally share this... this thing that I didn't even know I held. And it felt so full and amazing and real.” Her jaw clenches. “And then you lied to me. And I was left lonelier than ever.” 

Ellie opens her mouth, to protest or defend herself or  _ something  _ but Aster shakes her head and Ellie’s mouth snaps shut. Aster needs to voice this, she realises. Ellie’s had Paul to talk to all this time- not about her feelings for Aster, the string around her finger  _ specifically,  _ of course, but she’s had  _ someone  _ to voice her worries to. Ellie was that person to Aster- surely that’s your job, as soulmate, to be a sounding board to your other half’s dreams and fears- but she’d lied instead. 

“Do you know how confusing it is, how lonely it is, to realise the way you thought your life would go is entirely wrong? And to know your  _ soulmate  _ can so easily lie to you, without even  _ blinking? _ I didn’t even need to double check what you’d said, to learn Mandarin to confirm it. I knew the moment you said it.” Aster shakes her head, hurt evident in her eyes. “I was so alone. All year. And I kept  _ waiting  _ for you to tell me the truth and you didn’t. Were you ever going to tell me? Or just let us live out our lives and hope that neither of us fall-“ she pauses to look around them, leans forward like she’s telling a secret. “ _ -in love?  _ Was that your grand plan? It’s not like we have a choice, remember?”

“I wanted to protect you.” Ellie finally speaks, partially wary that Aster’s not done. But Aster doesn't respond, just looks at her, waiting for Ellie to continue.“You were so scared and sad and upset at the very thought of us, and I just- I didn’t want you to feel that way. I’m sorry.” 

Aster shakes her head. “You didn’t need to protect me. I needed you to  _ help  _ me.” She points out, and Ellie nods. 

“I know. I see that now. But- you can barely bring yourself to say it aloud, Aster. I thought I was giving you time to wrap your head around the destiny part before I threw in exactly what it entails. I just- I wanted to help.” Ellie admits, and Aster sighs, running a hand through her hair. “I’m sorry.” 

Aster’s quiet for a moment, considering Ellie’s words. Finally, she nods. “Just- don’t make decisions for me again, okay? We have to work together. That’s how all relationships work, friendship, fate determined, or otherwise.” She levels Ellie with a stare, and Ellie nods. Aster’s right. 

“I’m sorry you felt so alone all this time. It’s a lot to process. I should have been there.” Ellie wishes she could do more, say more to make Aster understand that she didn’t mean this; didn’t mean to leave Aster feeling so isolated for so long. If she’d known Aster knew...

“Yeah, well, we have all our lives now.” Aster says with finality, and Ellie sighs. That they do. “So...what do we do?” 

Ellie shrugs. Honestly, she doesn't know. What are you meant to do when you’ve already met the person fate has decided you’re meant to be with? It’s not that she’s sad to have met Aster, of course- far from it- but she always thought she’d have longer than fifteen before the course of her life was set. 

“The myth says that the string...isn’t always a straight line. That it can snare and tangle.” She says, finally. Aster frowns slightly, not sure where Ellie is going. “I don’t know about you, but fifteen is...young. I wasn’t really planning on getting married, settling down for at least a decade. My life’s worth was never going to be defined by my partner.” She clarifies, and Aster nods in understanding. 

“Me neither. I know papi has always wanted me to meet a nice boy, settle down right after high school, but that’s never really been my dream. I want to study. Have a career. See the world beyond the few hours of shore leave my parents get.” Aster says, and Ellie gives her a relieved smile, glad she understands. 

“Exactly. And, not that I’m doubting the knowledge of this….ancient soulmate string...but I don’t think fifteen year olds are ever really ready for a forever relationship. Love is just a neurochemical reaction, after all, and teenagers aren’t known for making the soundest of reactions. Remember when you had to study Romeo and Juliet?” Ellie says with a wry smile, and Aster laughs. 

“Fair point. And I’d like to be...sure. About who I am. I think we both deserve that from me.” She points out, and Ellie nods, agreeing wholeheartedly. 

“I don’t want either of us to feel forced into anything, string of fate or otherwise. Free will is important.” She says, as Aster tugs at their string thoughtfully. Ellie takes a breath and continues. “It does make me feel better, though, that we were both... _ feeling things _ about each other before we knew what this meant. It makes me think that even without this string, there’d be something here.” 

Aster looks up at her, right into Ellie’s eyes. Her gaze is intense, as though Ellie’s confirmation that she felt something too has sparked something in her. “Of that, Ellie Chu, I have absolutely no doubt.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few author's notes, here. 
> 
> 1\. First, translations (thanks google translate)
> 
> Zěnmeliǎo - What’s wrong?
> 
> “Zhǐshì tóuténg, dàn quán tiān qíngkuàng biàn dé yuè lái yuè zāo. Tāmen bǎ wǒ sòng huí jiā guòyè. Nǚháimen jièyì wǎnshàng qù qítā dìfāng ma? Wǒ xūyào xiūxí.” - “Just a headache, but it's become worse throughout the day. They've sent me home for the night. Would you girls mind going elsewhere for the evening? I need to rest.”
> 
> “Nǐ dǒng wǒ de?” - “You understand me?”
> 
> 2\. I don't love how dialogue heavy this chapter is tbh. I let my bb monologue because I feel like she had a lot to say after a year of storing this in her, but dialogue makes me NERVOUS and there was a lot of it so i'd love some feedback!! tell me how to fix it. 
> 
> 3\. Also, Aster's journey with her faith/sexuality is going to be different in this fic than in canon and in canyon moon. For me, this is because she's younger than in canon, so she hasn't completely shut down to the perceived inevitability of her life the way she has in THOT. She's still painting, she still dreams of a life beyond what her father wants. So while of course she's going to be scared of her sexuality and what that means for her, i think that knowing she has a female soulmate, and meeting ellie (and sweet paulie boy my best boy) earlier in life will inspire her to be stronger before the weight of the world gets to her as much. that's not to say she won't struggle, of course (see this entire chapter aka aster's soliloquy), but she'll definitely process things differently.
> 
> OH and yes i did use the deleted scene for some of this dialogue bc it was perfect. if you haven't seen it again HERE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1qJQEFNb48
> 
> 4\. i know i wrote it and thus was in direct control of the decision but i fucking LOVE THAT ASTER IS ENOUGH OF A NERD TO LEARN A NEW LANGUAGE JUST TO DO RESEARCH. BLESS.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning because they're still underaged and there is a sMOOCH.
> 
> (spoilers soz)
> 
> Also, some of the dialogue in this chapter is taken from the film, because who am i to try and reinvent the wheel which is these two being these two? no, alice wu did that perfectly already

After their conversation in the library, the girls settle into an easy sense of peace Ellie hadn’t been expecting. She still catches Aster looking at her sometimes, but instead of a frown there’s often a smile on her lips, or a gentle look of contemplation like she’s wondering what this all means. Ellie finds herself doing the same. 

She also finds that despite her initial rejection of the idea of fate, she quite likes the comfort of knowing who her soulmate is. Of knowing _where_ she is. She wonders what it’s like for others out there, ones who might have a string but not know who it’s connected to, who let the other person disappear from their lives without knowing what it means. She likes that she _likes_ Aster; that they have so much in common and the things they don’t have in common they find fascinating to learn more about (or make fun of, in the case of Ellie’s deep love of Yakult and Aster’s equally deep disgust). She thinks about the boy in the story, how he’d thrown a rock at his soulmate and not seen her again until their wedding night. She’s glad she doesn’t have to do that- spend years of her life not knowing whether or not she’ll actually like Aster when the time comes; enjoy her company the way she does her father or Paul’s. 

They still play piano and paint in the chapel when it’s free, content in their solitude. Sometimes Paul joins them; writing up a new recipe for his parents to try or watching sausage making videos on youtube. Occasionally, he and Aster will quietly pray together, heads bowed in the pews. Ellie plays quiet hymns for them, watching entranced as their lips move in silent conversation with whoever it is they think is listening. There are other kids there age around this summer; children of other crew members, and some of their time is spent with these other kids; playing boardgames or using the pool after hours when there's minimal passengers around. Ellie doesn't mind it- no one judges her preference of sitting by the water in full layers instead of swimming (although Aster does occasionally look at her questioningly, she never brings it up in front of the others)- but she prefers when it's just the three of them.

Some nights, she and Aster debate God, Paul chiming in with a sensitivity and weight to his comment that never fails to surprise and delight Ellie; particularly when he uses something one of them has said and interprets it in a way that makes total, surprising sense. Others, it’s the origin of soulmates, whether fate is proof of a single higher power or evidence against Him. On occasion, when there’s a new one, they’ll discuss Paul’s sausage recipes; give him scores out of ten as he serves them new combinations. They watch old movies late into the night, and let Paul decide which to choose when they can’t reach an agreement. When he’s not there, she and Aster will just watch multiple films, leaning against the wall on her bed, feet resting gently side by side as the hour gets later (then earlier). More than once, she wakes to find they’ve fallen asleep beside each other; her head resting on Aster’s shoulder or Aster’s head in her lap, body curled up against her. 

* * *

They get occasional days off. 

Edwin, the Flores, and the Munksy parents aren’t too big on the idea of letting three fifteen year olds roam free in random cities, so they go with whichever parent has the day off. Rarely, it’s Dr. Chu. He’ll let the kids lead the way; content to follow them as they explore the city centers on a self guided tour of whatever strikes their fancy. Sometimes he’ll show them places he thinks they’ll enjoy- a small restaurant he’s found over the years where he and Paul debate the delicacy of the dumpling wrappers; a sculpture park off the beaten track for Aster; a beautiful library for Ellie- but mostly he’s just happy his daughter is happy, and he lets the three friends find their way through whichever city their boat has docked at. 

Mostly, they’ll go with Paul’s parents.They trail behind the Munskys at various markets as they sample local fare, looking for new recipes or ingredients to bring aboard. Ellie and Aster dutifully follow Paul around as he takes them to his favourite vendors- narrowed down after a lifetime of these trips- and enticing them to sample whatever it is he hands them. Ellie learns to have blind faith in Paul’s taste; to ask what she’s eating _after_ she’s swallowed it, not before.

“It’s better to try something and _then_ be disgusted by what’s inside, not be so put off at the thought you miss out on something delicious.” He says one day as he hands her a fried something in Cape Town one afternoon. She sniffs it hesitantly, but Aster’s already halfway through hers and Paul is beaming at her excitedly so she just shrugs and bites down. It’s delicious, of course, and from then on Ellie doesn’t question Paul’s recommendations. 

The Deacon takes them mostly to grand chapels or cathedrals. Mostly, he’ll just point them towards the nearest bible (even Ellie, although he’s more or less stopped trying to convert her, at this point) before he sweeps off to greet the clergy working there. Sometimes he’ll show them around, pointing out aspects of the history or architecture of the building they’re in- Ellie loves this part. It’s easier for her to forget she’s largely unwelcome in buildings such as these when she’s swept up in the grand architecture or ancient marble. It’s in these moments, too, when she feels Aster most at ease beside her, taking her arm to point out the beauty of a painting or pulling her to look with interest at the detail of a sculpture. 

She’s not sure whether Aster’s aware of it or not but often when they’re with the Deacon, she immediately walks closer to Paul; arm linked loosely with his as they part through crowds or choosing to stick by his side if they slide onto a bench to pray. It’s only if they’re viewing their location as a work of art instead of a place of worship that she relaxes, allowing herself to feel comfortable beside Ellie; string hanging ever present between them.

Far and away, though, Ellie’s favourite day trips are with Luisa Flores. She takes them to museums and galleries and allows the teens to explore at their leisure, agreeing on a time and place to meet before going to take in the art herself and let the friends go at their own pace. More often than not, Paul lasts roughly half an hour before he gets bored of the intensity with which his friends are reading each and every placard and goes off in search of the cafe or gift store, agreeing to meet with them later. 

And this is why they’re Ellie’s favourite trips. She and Aster get to spend hours, alone, taking in each and every bit of knowledge and culture they can explore. They’ll sweep a gallery room, moving slowly from piece to piece, rarely speaking until they’ve finished the room when they’ll go back and show each other the one that struck them the most. Sometimes, they leave wherever they are and find the closest bookstore or library, losing themselves in great works until the time comes for them to meet back up with Paul and Mrs. Flores. Aster takes her hand- with almost _no_ hesitation, Ellie notes- as they walk through crowded exhibitions or back towards their meeting spot; and Ellie revels in the freedom she feels as Aster’s fingers tangle in hers. Two young girls walking hand in hand can be mistaken as simple friendship, thankfully. To Aster, that’s probably all it is. But to Ellie? Well, it’s so much more. 

* * *

They’re in the ship’s chapel again one morning, a week before summer finishes. Paul is absent again, once more helping his mother in the kitchen. It’s an unofficial internship he started a few weeks before. “Mostly it’s dishwashing, at this point, but sometimes I get to help plate up. The munsky’s don’t do neopets.” Paul states proudly, and he’s so happy to be where he wants to be that Ellie doesn’t have the heart to tell him he means nepotism. She doesn’t mind how busy he’s been- it means she and Aster have more time to spend together, and neither girl is complaining. The summer’s almost up- only three weeks left- and they’re eager to spend as much time together as possible. 

Ellie’s working on a new composition, fingers trailing over the notes as she wonders what key to take next when Aster gives out yet another sigh of frustration. She glances over at the girl, set up under the stained glass windows, resplendent in the morning light. 

“What’s up?” Ellie asks, and Aster huffs softly, gesturing at her painting. 

“I just can’t quite get it right.” She says, and Ellie stands up to give it a better look. She can see what Aster means- it’s missing something.

“It’s good?” She says, placatingly, but Aster just gives her a pointed look. They don’t placate each other. Ellie shrugs. “You’re right. It’s good, but it’s not great.” 

Aster nods, gnawing lightly on her bottom lip. “I had an art teacher tell me once that the difference between a good painting and a great one is typically five strokes. And they’re usually the five boldest strokes in the painting.” She looks at her painting critically, paintbrush resting on the palette beside her. “But which five?” 

Ellie tilts her head to the side, considering. She looks between Aster and the painting. “I get it. You’ve slaved away at making this pretty good painting, you don’t want to risk making a bold stroke and…” 

“ruining it.” Aster finishes for her, glancing up at Ellie, who is leaning just over her shoulder to look fully at the painting. “See the problem?” 

Ellie nods. But then she leans fully over Aster’s shoulder and reaches for the paintbrush, handing it to the girl. The string hangs loose between them as their hands come into contact, and Ellie pretends not to notice that neither girl can pull their eyes away from one another. “Five strokes. You can do this, Flores.” 

Aster notes the challenge in Ellie’s tone and her lips flicker with a smile, taking the paintbrush. She turns back to her artwork and assesses it. Ellie moves to stand back but Aster shakes her head, stopping her. 

“Stay.” She commands, softly, shuffling herself to the side on the small bench she’s perched on so Ellie has room to sit. Obediently Ellie settles beside her, eyes glued to the canvas as Aster draws out a long stroke, brush trailing a vibrant line down the painting. 

“One,” she says, under her breath, and Ellie’s eyes are drawn to the girl beside her. 

“two,” 

Ellie’s eyes don’t move away. She takes in the line of Aster’s cheek, the small fleck of paint just by her ear. Aster’s eyes flick over to Ellie’s before they look back at her painting and her hand moves towards the canvas again, but Ellie doesn’t turn to look at what she’s adding, too entranced by what’s in front of her eyes already. 

“Three, four…” Aster pauses, and then, as if in slow motion, her head turns. Her gaze locks onto Ellie’s and Ellie isn’t sure which of them is moving- maybe both? But then their brows are brushing together, their noses, their lips. 

Ellie’s never kissed anyone before. She’s not sure how to do it; she’s not sure if Aster has either or whether this is what they’re supposed to do but she _knows_ it feels right. Their lips brush together, just lightly, Aster’s mouth barely open against her own before the artist is pulling back, heads still resting lightly against each other. 

“Five.” She feels Aster breathe out against her lips. Ellie’s eyes are shut, and she thinks Aster’s might have fluttered closed as well but she’s scared to open them, scared to lose the moment. They stay like that, heads together, breathing each other in for long moments. Finally, Aster pulls her head back and speaks.

“I think it’s finished.” She says, quietly. Ellie wills her eyes to open and when she does she sees that Aster’s turned back to face her painting. She doesn’t look scared or regretful like Ellie had feared, though. Instead, there’s a small smile on her lips as she glances bashfully toward Ellie. 

Ellie turns to face the painting as well, smile playing on her own mouth as she takes it in. Resting her head contentedly on Aster’s shoulder, she sighs happy and nods. “Yeah. It’s pretty great, right?” 

Aster’s head resting against hers is the only response she needs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> falling in love is so s o f t


	7. Chapter 7

Ellie Chu gets herself a facebook two weeks into her second year aboard her new home. She’s bullied into it (though Aster argues that ‘strong armed’ is a better description for it) by Paul and Aster as an easier way to stay in contact with Aster while she’s back home, as well as the few other friends they’ve made over the summer. Ellie personally thinks friends is a strong word- more like warm acquaintances she agreed to occasionally share her friends with over the last three months- as Paul and Aster are _more_ than enough social life for her; but she relents after Paul mentions for a fifth time that Laura and Jack and Sophie have all asked how she’s going. 

“Fine!” She grouches as he shows her yet _another_ photo of Aster looking very cute indeed with a sausage dog she found on the streets of Sacramento and just had to take a photo with. “But I’m not getting a profile picture. People who know me already know what I look like.”

Paul just wraps his arm around her and jumps up and down excitedly. “Ellie, you’re going to have _so_ much fun. There’s always dog photos like this one- and you can find cool recipes, and Aster’s always posting really obscure stuff that I’m pretty sure you’d think is cool?” 

Ellie’s interest is piqued by that comment alone, but the final bit of convincing comes from Aster herself later that night, laptop perched perilously on her lap as she munches on a taco sausage, Paul’s newest snack invention. 

“It’s easier than switching between email and your dad’s skype,” She explains. “We can message and call each other whenever, I don’t have to wait until your dad isn’t using the laptop for work to see you.” 

“You want to see me?” Ellie asks automatically, not used to anyone being so keen to be in contact with her. Which is probably ridiculous, if she thinks about it, as her best friend- besides Aster- is the human equivalent of a golden retriever and Aster is hardly stand-offish, particularly when it comes to Ellie. Aster laughs in surprise at the question. 

“Of course I do. All the time. I _miss_ you.” Aster admits, laughter fading, and Ellie feels herself blushing. She misses Aster too, of course, but she hadn’t been expecting the seriousness of Aster’s tone. Or the words at all. Since it happened, they haven’t talked about…it. The kiss _or_ what it might mean in a bigger context. They’d sat in content silence for a few minutes after the event, string pooled on the seat between them. Ellie can remember with aching clarity the comfort of her head on Aster’s shoulder, Aster’s head resting lightly on Ellie’s. But someone had come into the chapel, breaking up their moment, and the girls had hurriedly cleaned up Aster’s things and left.

They’d awkwardly separated at Aster’s door as her father called her inside to help with something; and the rest of the summer they’d barely had a minute alone as the ship prepared for the end of the cruise and Paul and the few other teens they’d befriended insisted on almost constant time together. Beyond the briefest of moments and loaded glances they hadn’t had a moment alone until the day Aster left. 

_“I’ll see you next summer?” Aster had asked, pulling Ellie into her cabin only a few hours before they docked. The Flores’ possessions were already neatly packed and waiting by the door, and her parents were due back at any moment so they could go and do the rounds of goodbyes with Aster, the ever dutiful daughter. Ellie had laughed incredulously at the question. “Of course. And in between, as much as possible, right?”_

_Aster nods, eyes filled with tears._

_“I still don’t know what...I am. And we haven’t had a chance to talk about what happened yet, and I know that’s not fair. But I’ll come back next summer and I’ll be sure, okay? You watch. I’m going to be so sure.” She says, righteously, like she’s issuing herself a challenge._

_Ellie lets out a watery laugh at Aster’s tone. “You don’t have to rush. We have our whole lives, right?”_

_Aster nods, closing the gap between them once more, heads pressed together in the dim light of the cabin._

_“Our whole lives.” She says, softly, and Ellie thinks that the idea of knowing your destiny doesn’t seem quite so scary anymore when it comes in the form of Aster Flores. Then Aster’s pressing her lips against Ellie’s softly, and Ellie’s doesn’t think anything at all._

A silence builds between them as the girls get lost in their own thoughts. Ellie wonders if Aster’s thinking about the same thing she is. 

“I miss you too,” she admits, softly. Aster’s smile is soft and sad, but it’s there, and it’s enough to make Ellie decide she wants to see Aster as much- and as easily- as possible. “I’ll make a dumb account, then.” 

Aster’s grin in response is _almost_ worth the hassle of signing herself up to social media and the great joy Paul takes in inviting her to like every single facebook group he’s in. 

* * *

_Aster Flores has made a new post. 11.57pm_

_I composed a beautiful letter to you in the sleepless nightmare hours of the night, and it has all gone_

_Comments (1)_

_Paul Munsk: ??? Why didn’t you email it so it saved_

  
  


_Ellie chu has made a new post. 11.59 pm_

_I just miss you, in a quite simple desperate human way._

_Likes (1)_

_Aster Flores_

* * *

The weeks pass _slowly._ This time, there’s only Ellie and Paul staying on the ship, no other kids for the first cruise of the year. They’re in the Bahamas- at least the time difference between them and Aster isn’t as bad. But school with only two is _boring_ , Ellie quickly works out.

She generally does her work in the first half of the day, then helps Paul with his. Then, oddly enough, they hit the gym.

It began as a bit of a joking compromise- Paul pointed out they couldn’t spend _all_ their life in the library, and that Ellie had to share his interests, too. They couldn’t exactly hang out in the kitchen, so he took her to his second favourite spot: the gym.

Together they spend most afternoons working away. Paul takes the treadmill, favouring running, while Ellie had angled almost immediately toward the bikes. She ups the resistance, shuts her eyes, and for a _moment_ each time it’s like she’s back on the hills of Squahamish, legs powering up the hill and back towards home; where her mother would be waiting to greet her. The moment never lasts, of course- the clattering of other equipment or Paul’s heavy breathing behind her is enough to snap her out of the memory. 

But she soon finds a new comfort in the sound of her friend behind her, his feet rhythmically hitting the rotating band of the treadmill. Sometimes they talk; discussing the book she’s recommended and Paul’s take on the chapter he’s up to (before he falls asleep), or their plans for their next day off, any stops they’re excited for on the trips this year. Other times they’re silent, no noise but the repetitive sound of the machines and their breathing. In another life, Ellie thinks, this might have been her and Paul’s friendship. Running beside her up the hills of Squahamish, his heavy footsteps in time with the steady beat of her heart. 

* * *

They don’t have storms too often, thankfully. Obviously, there is bad weather on the open ocean; but liners are built to outrun stormy patches and the most they tend to get is a short period of rockier sailing. When Ellie had first arrived on the boat she’d been seasick for weeks- even the smallest of motions would cause her stomach to empty its contents but now she considers herself _mostly_ used to the ocean’s sudden pitches and peaks. She still absolutely hates them- she generally hides in bed before Aster or Paul inevitably either come over to her cabin or, when Aster is back home and Paul busy, at least checking in. Mostly she's fine after a couple of hours, though, reemerging from her blankets and pulling out a good book to pass the time. 

Not tonight, though. Tonight is _bad._

Not only is the storm they’re on the edge of particularly harsh- there’s rain pelting at the portholes and the decks are completely deserted; too wet and slippery to be traversed safely- but the ship is shifting immensely, tilting on what feels to Ellie like a _very_ sharp angle before crashing back down as it moves over waves in a bid to outpace the storm. She knows it’s fine, logically- the rest of the staff are calm and her father had assured her there was nothing to worry about before he’d hurried to the control room- but it doesn’t stop her from shivering furiously beneath the covers, pale and shaken. 

It’s not just the storm. 

Tonight is the second anniversary of her mother’s death. Last year, she and her ba had taken the day; they’d walked the streets of Sydney in peaceful silence, stopping only to point out things her mother would have liked. They’d planned to do the same today- albeit docked in Glacier Bay, this time- but her father had been called in due to the storm and Ellie had instead spent most of the day alone, other than a stilted breakfast with Paul (even he’d been unable to coax much out of her, try as he might). She wrote her mother a letter; read her favourite book (again); and now she was curled up under the covers, _Casablanca_ playing softly on her laptop as she willed her mother’s voice to take over the scene like it used to. 

The boat shifts and pitches again, and Ellie can’t help the tears that spring to her eyes. Pulling out her phone, she calls the only person she can think of who might be able to cheer her up right now. It’s close to midnight where Aster is, and Ellie just has to hope she picks up. 

“Ellie?” Aster answers, before the second ring. There’s a hint of concern in her voice- she knows it’s unlike Ellie to call at this late hour out of the blue. Ellie heaves out a sigh of relief and is about to start talking when she hears something on Aster’s end that gives her pause. 

“Aster? Babe? Are you coming to bed?” 

It’s a female voice, that’s all Ellie can tell. But it’s the words that really strike her. 

_Babe._

_Bed._

“Oh.” Is all she manages, before she’s gasping out a choked sob and pulling the phone away from her ear, hanging up abruptly. She doesn’t know how else to react; her mind feels suddenly empty, like all thought rational or otherwise has escaped.

_Babe. Are you coming to bed?_

The voice taunts Ellie even as she drops the phone to the floor and makes for the bathroom, retching over the toilet bowl, hands shaking as she clutches her sides. Cold runs through her like a knife and Ellie squeezes her eyes shut, furious at how stupid she is. 

She can hear her phone vibrating on her bed but she just clamps her hands over her ears, unwilling to hear the sounds of what she assumes are Aster’s attempts to get through and explain herself. 

Aster doesn’t have anything to explain, though. 

She doesn’t owe Ellie anything; far from it. They’re not in a relationship, they aren’t bound by exclusivity or rules. They’d decided in the library that day that they were far too young to jump into a life-long commitment. As far as Ellie’s logically concerned, Aster can do what she wants with _who_ she wants.

It doesn’t stop the feeling of sadness burn in her gut or the roar of embarrassment threatening to make her gag again. She’d blindly assumed that if one of them _did_ enter a relationship, they’d tell the other- that although they weren’t together, their friendship dictated some level of openness about things like this. From the sounds of it, she was wrong. Aster has someone else, someone who calls her babe, who she goes to bed with, and Ellie is- what?

Her best friend? _Just_ her best friend? 

That’s what they’d agreed to be. That’s what they _were._ Ellie knows this. She leans back against the bathroom wall, holding in the sob in her throat. She’s being ridiculous. 

The ship lurches again, and Ellie lets herself cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. the facebook statuses are from a letter Vita Sackville-West wrote to Virginia Woolf because fucking literary nerds communicating by facebook statuses  
> 2\. PAUL AND ELLIE BEST FRIENS RUNNIN


	8. Chapter 8

Ellie wakes up a couple of hours later, neck stiff from the angle she found herself on, curled up in the bathtub; a true image of teen angst- shivering slightly with red rimmed eyes from crying. Her hand is jerking wildly- it has been intermittently for a while, though she hadn’t moved it back in kind; but coming out of sleep, she instinctively jerks back, pulling the string. The movement stops instantly. She hadn’t wanted to move far from the toilet as the ship continued to rock violently, but the movements below her seem calmer now as she rises, gingerly making her way to the sink to wash her face.

She still feels stupid, completely embarrassed by her outburst. She’s upset Aster hasn’t told her she’s seeing someone, of course; but she’s even more upset that her reaction to it was so extreme. Jealousy is such a base emotion, one used by straight guys in movies as an excuse to punch walls- not something Ellie was accustomed to be feelin. She should be happy aster’s happy, bot having sobbing breakdowns about it. 

Sighing, she makes her way to her phone, grimacing at the calls and texts on it. 

**_Missed Calls:_ **

**ASSter (5)**

**Paul 🌭 (1)**

**_Texts:_ **

**ASSter: 13**

**Paul 🌭: 3**

She’s not quite ready to think about the Aster thing yet (or change her contact name- courtesy of Paul at some point during the morning, it seems), so she swipes open Paul’s texts. 

**Paul 🌭 :** Y ru stressing out aster? She thinks we’re crashing lol 

**Paul 🌭 :** Dude r u ok? Ur not replying to either of us. U were weird at breakfast but i figured u were just bein u. Shuld i come over?mom wuldnt mind.

**Paul 🌭 :** Elllieeeeeee????? 🐛 🧜🏾‍♀️🛀🏼 

She responds quickly, not wanting Paul to stress out- or come beating down the door. 

**Ellie:** I’m fine! Sorry, I fell asleep. All good here, I’ll talk to ‘ASSter’. Thanks for that, by the way. Very mature, I’m sure she’ll love the nickname. 

**Paul 🌭: 🍑😛**

She smiles at the text, only half sure what he means, before sighing and clicking into Aster’s messages. They’re ranging from straight after she called to about an hour ago, except for the most recent message, which had only come a few minutes prior. 

**ASSter:** Hey the line cut out, call me back? 

**ASSter:** Pick up you hater! 

**ASSter:** Are you okay? You never call this late. And you sounded like you were crying for the whole five seconds I had you.

**ASSter:** Well, at least SOMEONE is replying. Paul says there’s a storm but it’s okay- is that why you were calling? Are you okay? He said you seemed really upset this morning.

**ASSter:** Ellie!!!!!!!! 

**ASSter:** I swear to god, woman, if you freeze to death on a piece of debris I am NOT throwing expensive jewellery into the ocean in your memory.

**ASSter:** Probably a bad time for jokes but I’m low key freaking out. Weather watch doesn’t have reports of terrible storms and Paul is responding so I’m assuming you’re just sea sick and not drowning???????

**ASSter:** I’m being hounded for being on my phone, apparently my friend being in a shipwreck is not a good enough excuse to not gossip about boys instead of sleeping. (annoyed emoji) 

**ASSter:** Levity in a dire situation is only fun if you’re here to call me out on it. 

**ASSter:** Ellie Chu I’m about to release the Munksy on you. 

**ASSter:** Please. 

**ASSter:** You probably just butt dialled me and I’m freaking out for nothing. I’m going to try and sleep because apparently the storm is over and there is literally no damage to the ship and the coast guard thinks i’m insane so I really hope you’re okay and just asleep and I’ll be annoyed yet amused by my own panic in the morning when you make fun of me for it. A hilarious jape! Goodnight and please be okay. 

**ASSter:** You pulled back. Either you’re not dead or you’re being consumed by sharks. Call me, you absolute heathen. 

Ellie settles on her bed, her back resting against the wall. She stares at her phone for a couple of seconds before she grits herself and dials. She feels crappy enough already, even worse by how stressed she’s clearly made Aster- even through her jokes she can tell the girl’s concerned. 

Aster picks up almost straight away. 

“She’s alive.” She jokes, and through the dry tone Ellie can hear the clear note of relief. “You had me worried for a second there.” 

“I’m sorry.” Ellie murmurs, voice hoarse from hours of crying. “Had a bad night.” 

Aster picks up on the strain in Ellie’s voice straight away, her own changing to one of concern. “Ellie, you sound- off. What’s wrong? Are you okay? Are you safe?” 

“I’m safe. Just in a shitty mood.” Ellie says, trying to get the attention off herself. She doesn’t want to talk about her mom, doesn’t want to talk about being scared of a stupid storm or vomiting at the thought of Aster dating somone. The thought makes her wince, and she follows painfully. “How are you?” 

It’s a stupid question, all things considered. When Aster responds there’s a clear edge of annoyance in her tone. 

“Well, it’s four am and I’ve been up most of the night thinking my best friend was either about to die in a shipwreck  _ or  _ about to die of fright in a storm. So not  _ great _ , Ellie. Particularly if you’re now not going to tell me what’s going on. I thought we agreed to tell each other things from now on?” She challenges, and Ellie’s feelings of morose stupidity are suddenly replaced with a righteous anger. 

“Oh, you’re going there?  _ Telling each other things? _ How’s your  _ girlfriend _ , Aster? Did she wait up till four am with you, or did you already tire her out?” The jealousy streaks through her as she remembers the words she’d heard over the phone.  _ Babe, are you coming to bed?  _ She hates that it makes her feel this way; hates the uncomfortable twist in her gut at the thought of someone staying up late to comfort Aster as she worries about Ellie. Hates that the thought of Aster having someone to comfort her is a bad thing, not a good one. 

“My...what?” Aster, to Ellie’s surprise, sounds confused instead of defensive. Ellie snorts. 

“Oh, you know. ‘ _ Aster? Babe? Are you coming to bed?’ _ ” She does a poor mimicry of the voice she’d heard. “That one.” 

Aster’s silent for a few minutes. When she speaks, her voice is very quiet and very flat. 

‘Ellie Chu. Did you hang up on me because you thought I had a girlfriend?” She asks, and Ellie swallows at the tone. She’s not sure exactly what Aster’s feeling but it certainly isn’t pleased. Before she can confirm, Aster continues. “And did you then proceed to sulk so proficiently for almost five hours while I panicked and cried and tried to call the  _ coast guard  _ to make sure you were okay?” 

“You called the coast guard?” Is all Ellie musters, and Aster gives out a choked laugh. 

“ _ Yes,  _ I called the coast guard. My best friend called me, clearly not okay, and then wouldn’t respond, and I know you hate storms and Paul was being super vague so I wanted to make sure you were safe. I thought maybe I could help calm you down, if you’d just pick up the phone. But now I know you were sulking about something you  _ entirely made up _ I just look stupid.” 

“You could never look stupid.” Ellie says, instantly, and Aster just snorts. “I’m starting to think I might, though.”

Silence on the other end. Ellie sighs. 

“You don’t have a girlfriend, do you?” Ellie guesses, and Aster gives a sound which Ellie suspects means  _ you think?  _ Ellie frowns, not that Aster can see it. “She called you babe…” 

“She calls everyone babe. And honey. And sweetie. She’s californian.” Aster says dryly, and Ellie can almost hear her eyes rolling in her head. “And she was asking me if I was coming to bed because I’d run out of our sleepover to take a phone call at midnight.” 

“Oh.” Ellie says, though this time she’s no sob attached to it. She still feels like a huge fool- for entirely different reasons. “Oh. So I seem. Sane, then?” 

Aster gives out a dry laugh. “Well, you don’t seem like yourself, that’s for sure. A fit of jealousy doesn’t exactly scream ‘Ellie Chu.’ So I ask again, are you  _ okay?” _

Ellie’s pleased that Aster knows her well enough to know that this was about more than just jealousy; that she sees through Ellie’s reaction to something more. She leans her head back against the wall with a sigh.

“I think so. I just...it was a really bad day, Aster.” There’s a couple of seconds of quiet on the other line, then Aster speaks in a low, comforting voice. 

“Tell me about it? That’s why you called in the first place, right?” Ellie nods to herself, then remembers Aster can’t see her. 

“Yeah.” There’s a pause while Ellie gathers herself. She hates talking about this, hates mentioning her mother. It makes things more real, somehow. Like if Ellie doesn’t talk about it, her mom’s not gone. Aster doesn’t say anything either, just waits, her quiet breathing calm and soothing on the other end. Finally, Ellie’s ready. 

“It was the anniversary of mom. Today. Yesterday, now I guess.” She starts, and Aster inhales quickly. Before she can say anything, Ellie continues. 

“Dad and I were going to spend the day together, but then the storm was on the horizon and he had to go…I couldn’t- I couldn’t tell Paul. He would have just tried to cheer me up but I just wanted to be with her. I just wanted to speak to her and see her again; I wanted to tell her that I miss her and I’m scared and I’m  _ so mad  _ she’s gone, Aster. She’s gone. I lost her. And then I called you and I thought- I thought I’d lost you too. It’s stupid. It’s all so  _ stupid.”  _

She’s crying again, loud hiccuping sobs, arms wrapped around herself as she suddenly realises exactly why she was so upset at Aster earlier. She can hear Aster trying to sooth her over the line, whispering calmingly to her. She cries at the thought of her mother- her kind smile, her warm arms. How she’d promised she’d never leave Ellie alone that day on the docks as they watched her father leave, how she’d absolutely love Aster, adore Paul; how Ellie will never be able to tell her again that she misses her, or that she loved her, or that she’s tied forever to someone wonderful and her mother will never know. She cries for a long while, finally quieting as Aster keeps talking, soothing Ellie as best she can over the phone.

“It’s not stupid, Ellie. It’s not. And you haven’t lost me, El, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry about your mom.” Ellie sniffles, wiping her eyes on her sleeve.

“Thank you.” Her voice is still watery. “I still feel ridiculous for flipping out on you like that.” Ellie admits bashfully. 

“Hey.” Aster admonishes, softly. “You were scared and sad and overwhelmed and honestly? If I thought you were suddenly in a relationship with someone and you hadn’t told me I think I’d have a similar reaction. Even without the added emotions of your day. I just wish I’d known what today was so I could have been there for you. I’ll know next time; okay? So that even if your dad can’t be there, I will. And you can tell me all about your mom whenever you want. I’d love to know.” 

Ellie smiles sadly. “I think she’d really like you.” She says. “I wish you could’ve met her.” 

“Well, I really like her daughter, so I believe that. I’d have liked to meet her. Will you tell me about her now?” 

Aster must be exhausted, Ellie knows. She sure as hell is. But she also knows there’s no way Aster’s going to go to sleep until she’s satisfied Ellie’s okay, so she shuffles down into bed and gets herself comfortable before she starts to speak.

“Okay.” She starts. “Mom was beautiful, and fun, and….”

* * *

When Edwin Chu finally creeps back into his room, ship safely away from the storm and engine room under control, he finds his daughter curled up in her bed, fast asleep. He creeps over, gingerly removing his daughter’s glasses from her eyes, and the phone she still has pressed to her ear. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i made this mistake once when my partner was in cali, staying with her cousins. confusions ABOUND.


	9. Chapter 9

Ellie gets drunk for the first time on her sixteenth birthday. Not  _ smashed,  _ but definitely tipsy enough that the room is slightly hazy as she stands from her game of  _ Drinkers of Catan _ \- courtesy of Lauren, the steward’s daughter, who is seventeen and Australian and comes aboard their  _ Atlantic Adventures  _ leg with a full set of drinking games (or board games she’s adapted into drinking games) and open access to her dad’s liquor. 

Paul and Ellie alike are hesitant the first time she asks them if they’d like a drink, but as Ellie’s birthday approaches and Lauren mentions having a small party- very small, in fact, given that they’d be the only three there- they decide that maybe once can’t hurt. 

“As long as we’re careful.” Paul says cautiously, and Ellie nods.

“That’s right. We keep track of what we’re having and match each drink with one of water. And we take care of each other. Deal?” Paul shakes her hand firmly. 

“Deal.” 

As it turns out, keeping track is harder than it sounds when you’re also trying to keep track of your sheep and wood quantities, and stopping Paul from encroaching onto your mountains. Somewhere between the second and fourth drink Ellie realises she is not monitoring the situation as closely as she’d thought. Things are ever so slightly hazy, and she’d been leaning on Paul far more than she’d thought- when he stood up to use the bathroom mere seconds ago, Ellie had tipped precariously to the side in his absence. Lauren moves quickly across the board to keep her steady. 

“Careful there, Ellie.” She says softly, a warm hand on Ellie’s arm. “You alright?” 

Ellie nods slowly. “Just dandy. Swell. You?” 

Lauren’s hand doesn’t move, and her thumb is vaguely moving back and forward over Ellie’s arm. Ellie thinks this small movement probably means something she’d recognise, but she can’t quite place what. 

“I’m okay. Just thinking, though.” Lauren says, thoughtfully, and Ellie glances up at her, suddenly realising that they’re closer together than she’d thought. Where is Paul? Ellie has a brief instant of not being sure if she wants him to come back or not. Lauren is very close to her, and she  _ is  _ very beautiful, and is looking at Ellie in a way that makes the birthday girl suspect Lauren might think she’s beautiful too, which is nice. But it also doesn’t feel right, this closeness. She’s all too aware of the string on her finger, the one connecting her to the girl she knows she’d much rather be here with. Beautiful or not, Lauren isn’t the one she wants to be holding her up right now, or leaning ever closer. Instinctively, Ellie’s hand twitches, pulling at the string to gather it into her fist, clutching it tightly. 

Lauren is still leaning forward, slowly, waiting for Ellie’s response. Ellie blinks at her a few times, and opens her mouth to say  _ no, thank you for the offer but no thankyou,  _ when her phone starts ringing loudly across the room. They jerk apart in surprise, Ellie stumbling quickly to her phone as Lauren blinks at her in mild confusion at Ellie’s haste. Picking it up, she beams at the name across the screen. 

“It’s my- Aster! It’s Aster!” She says, happily, flashing her phone at Lauren, then at Paul, who has re-emerged. Paul grins as well but Lauren just looks at her, a slight frown on her face. Ellie doesn’t have time to compute what the look means though, as she’s already heading for the door. “I’ll be right back!” 

Swiping open the call, she makes her way slightly down the corridor, taking a seat on the stairwell a few yards away from the room. 

“Aster!” She says, happily, and she hears the girl laugh sleepily. 

“Hey, birthday girl. You woke me with your string.” Ellie frowns, trying to do the math of what time it is for Aster. They’d last spoken around dinner time, just as Aster was going to bed in Sacramento. Which means it’s….early. Ellie grimaces. 

“Oh, sorry. Accident.” She says, although she can’t say she’s ever truly sorry about hearing Aster’s voice. Aster laughs, seeing right through her. 

“Yeah, you sound very contrite. It’s okay, I get up in an hour to get ready for school anyway. This just gives me extra Ellie time. Why are you up so late, anyway?” She asks, and there’s some shuffling on the other line. Ellie closes her eyes, tries to imagine what Aster looks like at this time, curled up in bed. She wonders if she’ll ever see it. 

“Just hanging out with Paul and Lauren. She taught us a game,  _ Drinkers of Catan _ . It’s fun. But confusing. Also, did you know that whiskey is disgusting?” Ellie wrinkles her nose. 

“I can’t say I did know that, no. I’m glad you’re having fun, but... are you  _ drunk _ , Ellie Chu?” Aster asks, chuckling, and Ellie shrugs. There’s a brief silence and she remembers Aster doesn’t know she’s shrugged, so she responds, 

“Maybe only slightly. I’m glad you called, though. You’re more fun than Lauren. I’d much rather kiss you.” She admits thoughtfully, head tilted back as she contemplates what might have happened had Aster been there instead of Lauren. She’s so caught up in the thoughts that she almost misses the wariness in Aster’s tone. 

“You...kissed Lauren?” Aster asks, cautiously, and Ellie blinks. She’s suddenly aware that despite their constant twine connection, Aster doesn’t actually know every second of Ellie’s life, so what she’d just been told might seem confusing out of context. Oops.

“Oh, no! But she was very close to me. And her hand was on my arm. I think she was  _ going  _ to kiss me, but then you called instead.” Ellie explains helpfully, and the line is silent for a moment before Aster shuffles again. 

“And if I hadn't called?” She asks, quietly, and Ellie shrugs to herself. It’s a clear answer to her. 

“She’s not the one I want to kiss, Aster.” She pulls on her string for extra reassurance about who she’s talking about. Honestly, it’s not a hard admission to make. She thinks she hears Aster sigh, but it’s too quiet to gauge whether it’s one of relief or just normal exhalation. 

“That’s...really good to hear.” Aster admits. There’s a pause, before she continues. “Am I allowed to say that I’m glad you didn’t kiss her?” 

Ellie nods. “Of course. Why wouldn’t you be?” 

“I just...I know we didn’t really talk about where we stand after the whole ‘you thought I was dating’ thing a few months ago, beyond just being honest with each other if we met someone, or something happened.” Aster starts, and Ellie nods. They’d agreed that open communication was their best bet during months apart. Knowing you’re destined to be with someone was one thing, but the realities of that when you’re sixteen, one of you lives on a cruise ship and the other one lives with extremely religious parents is a different ballgame entirely. “But I really like you, Ellie. Even if everything else is confusing, and I feel completely out of my depth most of the time...that part I’m sure about. And I think we should be honest about that part, too.” 

Ellie’s eyes squeeze shut. She misses Aster so,  _ so  _ much. How they feel about each other is generally relegated to a silent undercurrent of affection in all their interactions, something they know but don’t necessarily say. To hear Aster say it out loud is the best birthday present she could have hoped for. 

“I really like you, too. I wish you were here.” She admits quietly, and Aster’s voice is thick with emotion when she responds. 

“I wish I was there, too. Happy birthday, Ellie.” 

* * *

_ Aster Flores has made a new post. 5.45am _

_ I am reduced to a thing that wants _

_ Likes (1)   
Ellie Chu _

* * *

Summer finally arrives. Ellie doesn’t consider herself a dramatic person, really, she doesn’t- but the sight of Aster Flores walking up the gangplank toward her damn near makes her  _ swoon.  _ It’s an unusually hot summer already, and Aster is dressed for the weather. She’s wearing denim cutoffs and a tank top, bathing suit already on beneath her clothes if the tie around her neck is anything to go by. 

Ellie tugs on the string impatiently to get her attention and Aster’s head snaps towards her, smile spreading across her face as she spots Ellie. She pushes her sunglasses up into her hair and winks, honestly to god  _ winks _ at Ellie and then Ellie  _ does _ swoon, half stepping back into Paul at the sight of Aster approaching. There’s a smirk on her face like she knows exactly what she’s doing to Ellie. 

Behind her, Paul whistles lowly. 

“Damn, Flores got hot.” He mutters, and Ellie stamps on his foot, glaring up at him. He flushes and puts his hands up apologetically. “Sorry! I’m just saying!” 

She’s about to stamp on him again when there’s an amused voice behind them. “What are you two arguing about now, hm?” 

Their eyes snap across to Aster and both begin to stammer explanations and she laughs, opening her arms. “On second thought, I don’t think I want to know. Come here, you two.” 

Paul and Ellie meet her embrace in the middle, Ellie finding herself somehow sandwiched between the two. She thinks she feels the press of lips against her cheek but before she can react, Aster’s pulling again. 

“Paul, I lost mom and dad in the crowd. Would you mind waiting here and keeping an eye out for them while Ellie and I check if they’ve already gone in?” 

Paul looks confused.

“Wouldn’t we have seen them?” He asks, but Aster just shakes her head innocently. 

“No, they were a bit ahead of me when I saw you two. We might have missed them during the magnificent three reunion.” 

Paul’s face clears. “We  _ are  _ magnificent. Alright, you two go look inside, I’ll wait here. Text when we find them, okay?” 

Aster nods, hand already reaching down to grab Ellie by the wrist loosely. 

“Of course. We’ll see you in a bit!” She says, but she’s already pulling Ellie away and into the ship, Paul’s response lost to the sea of people boarding. 

Aster effortlessly maneuvers them to the upper decks, seamlessly weaving around corridors and up staircases, avoiding the thoroughfare of crew coming aboard and those already at work readying the ship for passengers. 

“Where are we going?” Ellie asks, letting herself be pulled through the ship’s decks. Aster smiles back at her, squeezing her hand softly. 

“To my favourite secret place.” She explains, and that’s enough for Ellie. 

They’re on the first class deck quickly. Ellie’s only been on a first class deck twice- once on her first ever tour of a cruise ship; and once a few months ago after the big storm, when one of the liner’s investors had been aboard and wanted to meet the Chief Engineer and his daughter. Ellie had been amazed by the decadence of the space then; filled with people with such clear opulence it made her jaw drop. Now, the deck is no less overwhelming; despite being completely empty. An infinity pool stretches out before them, plush deck chairs lining the side; a marble bar sits to the side, glasses and bottles already set up for tomorrow’s guests. 

Aster pulls Ellie quickly through the space, to a door set just by the bar. Ellie just has time to read the sign above it -  _ spa room -  _ before Aster’s pushing it open and pulling them in. 

“Whoa.” The first class hot tub is big; filling almost the whole room. It, too, is ready for tomorrow- towels neatly stacked on a shelf in the corner; heat rising slowly from the already warmed water. Ellie stops by the door, blinking in surprise. 

“Right?” Aster responds simply, as she begins pulling her top off. Face flushing with embarrassment, Ellie quickly spins and turns to face the shelf. 

“Is this mahogany?” She asks to fill the silence, and she hears Aster snort gently behind her, then the sound of splashing. Turning, she finds Aster already in the hot tub, staring up at her with a gentle smile. 

“I wouldn’t know. Are you coming in?” She asks, voice shy, and Ellie glances down at herself, unsure how many layers to remove. Unlike Aster, she’s not in her swim suit yet. The pants will have to go, obviously- she needs something to wear to walk back to the cabins in- as well as one of her tops. Thankfully, she’d layered this morning, despite the day’s forecast. Ellie always layers, just in case. In case of  _ what,  _ exactly, she’s never been sure- maybe in case she goes for an impromptu dip in a hot tub?

Ellie hesitates with her hands on her shirt, and Aster only half smirks before she turns away to give Ellie privacy. As she changes, Ellie muses. 

“I’ve never even thought to come up here. It’s beautiful.” She can hear Aster moving in the water behind her. 

“Yeah. I sneak here sometimes after the pool’s closed, just to have a moment to myself. Sharing a tiny cabin with your parents all summer...I need some peace, sometimes. I’m sure there are staff that sneak in, too, but it’s a bit riskier when you’re employed than when you’re a kid, so I’ve never run into anyone.” 

Ellie finishes changing, sliding into the water across from Aster. Steam rises between them. 

“We’re technically employees now.” She points out, and Aster grins cheekily. 

“Yeah, but some things are worth the risk.” Ellie swallows as Aster stares at her from across the water, the moment heavy between them until Aster glances down at Ellie’s clothes. Her head tilts to the side as she smiles fondly at Ellie. “Is that...long underwear?”

Ellie glances down. “Yes.” 

Aster snorts. “It’s  _ summer _ . Aren’t you boiling?” She asks incredulously, and Ellie shrugs. She is in fact incredibly warm, the combination of the water’s heat and her insulating clothes not a particularly comfortable one. But any less than this and Ellie tends to feel incredibly exposed. She glances back up at Aster, who is drifting slowly towards her. There’s a gleam in her eyes that Ellie doesn’t fully trust. 

“I know you love to layer,” Aster starts, and her hands are reaching for Ellie now, slow in the water. Ellie grips the edge of the seat she’s perched on, watching the approach warily, “but if you get heatstroke and die, Ellie Chu, I will be incredibly sad. Do you want me to be sad?” 

Aste comes to a stop only a few inches away from Ellie, pouting dramatically. Ellie can feel their legs brushing together in the water, and she swallows heavily. She shakes her head. She doesn’t want Aster to be sad, ever. Aster’s hands come to the edge of her tops- both of them- and she pauses, face becoming serious. 

“I won’t take them off if you don’t want. I genuinely just don’t want you to boil.” She says, waiting, and Ellie gives the smallest of nods. She trusts Aster, feels comfortable enough with her to shed at least one of her layers. 

“Just the top one? I’d like to keep  _ some _ air of mystery.” She finally manages, and Aster smiles softly, nodding. She tugs lightly at Ellie’s top, and Ellie pulls off her glasses and squeezes her eyes shut just as the wet fabric is pulled over her head. When she opens them again, Aster’s wearing the shirt, smiling at her. 

“There. Now you won’t die of a heart attack  _ or  _ heatstroke.” She says, playfully, and Ellie blinks as she puts her glasses back on. Aster’s drifted closer again, and she’s now somehow standing between Ellie’s legs. Ellie hadn’t even noticed she’d moved them. 

Swallowing, she asks, “Heart attack?” 

Aster smirks, and Ellie doesn't miss the way her eyes flick down slightly before coming back up to meet Ellie’s. Their hands drift in the water beside them, brushing each other but not quite touching. The string floats gently on the surface and Ellie glances at it, then back up as Aster answers.

“From trying not to stare. Your eye was twitching for a minute there.” She teases, and Ellie’s mouth drops open in disbelief. 

“It was not!” She cries, and Aster laughs, head tilting back as the noise fills the space. A droplet of water travels down her skin and Ellie follows its journey down Aster’s neck, along her collarbone, finally disappearing at the hem of the shirt she’s stolen from Ellie. When her eyes move back up to Aster’s face, the girl is grinning triumphantly. 

“See?” She asks playfully, and Ellie can’t help but match her grin. 

“Oh, be quiet. Paul was worse.” She points out, and Aster laughs again. 

“Is that what you two were bickering about?” She queries, and Ellie nods. They both jump suddenly as the jets come on- they’re set on some kind of timer, it seems- and Ellie’s hands automatically fall to Aster’s hips to steady her. She’s suddenly very glad Aster stole her top, because having her hands straight on Aster’s bare skin might make her spontaneously combust. Still, she doesn’t move her hands away and Aster doesn’t make any move to step back. 

“Yeah, he said you got hot. I stamped on his foot, because  _ rude _ .” She finally replies, remembering they were talking before she got distracted by how close together they were. Aster’s brows raise slightly. 

“Rude? You disagree- you don’t think I’m hot?” She teases, mock offended, but Ellie catches a look of genuine self-consciousness in her eyes. Ellie shakes her head fervently, deathly serious. 

“I’ve always thought you’re hot. Not that that’s why I - I mean, I do - but- you are- but that’s not the only- I mean-” She’s stumbling, trying to convey that while Aster is,  _ yes _ , the most glorious thing Ellie’s ever seen, she’s also so much more than that. Aster, thankfully, doesn’t seem offended. She just laughs softly, smiling at Ellie. 

“Well, good. I feel the same way about you.” She replies, gently, cautiously, and Ellie blinks in surprise. 

“You do?” Ellie asks, somewhat disbelieving, and Aster nods. She bites her lip softly, shuffles even closer. Ellie’s hands shift to rest on the small of Aster’s back and she watches unblinking as Aster’s hands move up slowly to rest on Ellie’s shoulders. They play lightly with the fabric of her top, Aster’s eyes trained to the string on her finger. 

“Yeah. I’m, um. Attracted to you. Like I am boys.” Aster says softly, quietly, still not quite looking at Ellie. Ellie doesn’t respond for a few seconds, lets the admission settle between them, lets Aster see that the world doesn’t tilt on its axis at the statement. She knows that this goes beyond just Aster’s attraction to her; that what Aster’s saying goes beyond just Ellie. When Aster’s able to look up at Ellie, she finds Ellie smiling softly at her. 

“Thank you for telling me.” She says, and Aster just nods. She looks less frightened now, less cautious. Her eyes flick down, then back up at Ellie, and Ellie gives a small smile. 

“I’m going to kiss you now.” She says, softly. She’s not sure where the confidence has come from- maybe it’s the way Aster’s hands are scrunched in her shirt or how close together they are, but Aster nods, smile growing. 

“Thank  _ god.”  _ She murmurs, and then Ellie laughs quietly against Aster’s mouth as her hands leave the girl’s back and tangle in Aster’s hair, pulling her closer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hot springs, hot tub, tomay-to, tomah-to


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for underaged shenanigans.They do the do in the last paragraph. It is very much implied and there's no details in there beyond them kissing at the start of the paragraph, but be alert and aware that it's there. I've put in some ~~~ for ya to stop reading if you want, so you can just go to the next chapter when you're at that point!

“I’m thinking of asking Aster out.” Paul says casually one afternoon as he returns the ping pong ball to Ellie in an easy volley. Ellie stills completely, and the ball sails past her as she blinks in confusion at Paul’s words. 

“You’re thinking of  _ what?”  _ She asks dumbly, and Paul shrugs, doubt clouding his features. 

“Asking Aster out. Why, should I not? Has she said something? Is there someone else?” He asks in worry, and Ellie pauses. She’s not sure what to say, how to tell Paul that there both is and isn’t someone else, and that someone else is her. She can’t exactly tell him the truth, after all. 

“I...don’t know. She hasn’t said anything about dating.” She settles for, finally. And it’s  _ true.  _ Aster hasn’t said anything to her about dating anyone. They don’t talk about dating, and it turns out it’s very easy to ignore the elephant in the room that is your relationship status if you spend the majority of your time making out instead. In fact, the time they spend together outside of work or Paul doesn’t involve much talking at all. 

“Oh. So I should, right?” He asks, still worried, and Ellie busies herself in finding the ball that’s bounced under a nearby couch. 

“Why?” She finally asks. She’d thought Paul saw Aster the same way he saw Ellie, as a friend. She hasn’t even considered that he might be feeling the same way she was about the girl. 

“I like her.” He says, simply. “I see her in church and she always looks- so sad. Like she’s not quite sure where she stands. And I think I could make her happy, you know? We’re friends already, I make her laugh. Dating her would be cool.” 

Ellie frowns. “You think dating Aster would be... _ cool _ ? Because you make her laugh and you’re her friend? Paul, I’m your friend and you make me laugh, that doesn’t mean we should date.” 

Paul blushes. “Yeah, but you’re...Ellie. No offence.” 

“None taken. I don’t want to date you either.” She points out dryly, and Paul rolls his eyes. “I was merely pointing out that making some laugh doesn’t mean you should date them.” 

Paul nods, but eyes turn slightly dreamy. “I know. But when I think about Aster, I think about dating her. We could get fries, and shakes, and maybe more fries, and she could tell me what she’s reading and I could make her smile when her dad says something that makes her frown. We could walk around the ship together, and...Yeah. Cool.” 

Ellie’s heart sinks. All the things Paul has described are things she wants to do with Aster, but knows she never can, not while they’re trapped on this ship with their father’s- and everyone else’s- eyes on them. Well, they  _ can  _ get fries and talk and smile and go on walks, but not the way Paul’s describing. Not without always wondering if someone’s going to see the looks between them, the gentle touches, and  _ know _ . 

Her silence must be telling, because Paul frowns.

“You don’t think I should?” He asks, crestfallen, and Ellie is stumped. He’s her best friend and he looks so sad and confused, and she doesn’t know what to do to make him feel better. She knows how Aster feels about her, but she doesn’t want to make decisions for the girl- maybe Aster  _ would _ be willing to date Paul, to try for a relationship that’s not entirely a secret? One where she doesn’t jump away at the smallest of sounds, terrified of being seen too close together. Paul, Ellie knows, could make Aster happy. Could at least make her feel safe from the judgemental eyes of her father. 

On the other hand, Ellie would very legitimately rather give up Yakult for the rest of her life than see Aster and Paul together. 

She shrugs helplessly. 

“I don’t know, Paul. It’s something you should probably ask Aster yourself, not me.” She says quietly, and Paul’s about to respond when his mouth snaps shut and his eyes open, staring at something behind her. Ellie turns slowly as Aster’s voice drifts from the doorway. 

“Ask me what?” She asks, almost distractedly, arms filled with a heavy box stacked with books. The two friends stand silently, almost guiltily, and Aster quirks a brow at them. Finally, Paul moves forward, grabbing the books from Aster’s arms and murmuring something shyly at her. 

Ellie knows what it is from the way Aster’s shoulders stiffen, the sudden clench of her jaw, the way her eyes flick to Ellie’s and back to Paul. He’s looking down at her hopefully, and Aster just blinks at him, seemingly not entirely sure what to say. 

“You’re asking me  _ out?”  _ She finally manages, and Paul’s about to respond when Deacon Flores walks in, arms filled with an even bigger box of books. He’s beaming. 

“Well, Mr. Munsky, how lovely! I’m sure my Aster would be honoured to be courted by such a good young man. Obviously this will be a daytime event, I presume?” He smiles at Paul, who stammers awkwardly. 

“Ah, yes, Deacon. I was just, I mean- should I have asked you too?” He questions awkwardly, looking between Aster and her father with wide, slightly terrified eyes. Aster looks furious, but her father just laughs. 

“Well that would have been polite, son, but unnecessary. Aster’s a smart girl, she can make her own decisions. Though if things go well, there may be a conversation between us men down the line…” he winks at Paul, who looks like he might pass out. The deacon puts the books down by the couch, gestures for Paul to do the same. “I hope you three don’t mind, me taking the space, we have a bible study group in here this evening, as the chapel’s being repainted.  _ Hija,  _ why doesn’t Paul join us at our table for dinner tonight? I’m sure your mother would like to know him better, now that you and he are an item.” __

Paul splutters, clearly unsure about how him asking Aster on a single date had turned into him sitting at the Flores’ table for a family meal. Part of Ellie wants to bail him out, say he can’t go to dinner as he’s got plans already; the other half desperately wants him to suffer the awkwardness for daring to have a crush on the same girl she does. All eyes on the room turn to Aster, who ducks her head, jaw working furiously as she makes a decision.

“Si, papi.” She agrees, before looking between Paul and Ellie, frustration clear on her face. “Paul, Ellie, why don’t we go and hang out in Ellie‘s room for a while? Let dad set up.“ 

Paul swallows nervously, sensing Aster’s mood. Ellie nods too, feeling just as responsible as Paul is for this awkward situation. They begin to walk quietly towards Ellie‘s room, but a few steps away from the rec room Aster spins around to face both of them. 

“Paul, can we have a talk?” She asks, somewhat testily. Paul nods, a hangdog look on his face, and Ellie mutters, “I’ll give you two a second.”

She paces further down the hall, although she’s still slightly in ear shot when she stops. Pulling out her phone to distract herself, she still catches parts of the conversation. 

_ “You do not need to ask my father for permission  _ –” she catches, _ “I know, I’m sorry, I panicked”, “you’ll have to come to dinner or father will get offended, think I’ve embarrassed him _ ,”, “ _ \- you sure? _ ”, “ _ one date, that’s all _ “. Ellie’s heart sinks at the clear anxiety in Aster’s voice. She knows how hard it is for Aster to refuse her father’s wishes at the best of times. She knows as well that he’s been urging her to spend less time with just Ellie–  _ ‘even though you’re our favourite heathen _ ’ – and with more members of the congregation. He must have been thrilled to overhear Paul asking Aster out. She pretends to be looking at her phone when Paul and Aster catch up to her again. Paul looks slightly sheepish and very disappointed, Aster just looks stressed out of her mind. 

“Paul’s going to go get ready for  _ dinner _ . Ellie, can I hang out with you until then?” Aster asks, barely glancing at their friend. Ellie nods quietly and Aster starts walking, visibly upset. Ellie pauses long enough to mouth a  _ sorry  _ at Paul before she’s hurrying after the girl. 

* * *

Safely ensconced in Ellie’s cabin, Aster collapses into the nearest chair, head in her hands. Ellie locks the door behind them, though she knows her dad is working overnight this evening.

“I’m sorry.” They say at the same time, and Aster’s head snaps up in surprise. 

“What are you sorry for?” She asks Ellie, and Ellie shrugs nervously. 

“I feel somewhat responsible for...all that.” Aster looks at her in confusion. “Paul told me he wanted to ask you out, I should have just told him no; I said he’d need to ask you instead of just shutting it down,” She starts, but Aster shakes her head, cutting her off.

“You did the right thing- he did need to ask me. You didn’t  _ know  _ Papa was right behind me.” Aster snorts in frustration. “This is ridiculous. I should have just told Paul no.” 

Ellie sighs, coming to sit across from Aster. 

“But you didn’t for a reason.” She points out, and Aster gives a sad shrug. 

“You know what Papi is like. He wants me to find a good boy to ‘go steady’ with, like it’s the 1950’s.” She says, derision clear in her tone. “There’s this boy from church at home, Trig, he’s been trying to set me up with. He was starting to wonder  _ why _ , if there was something wrong with me, so Paul’s like christmas come early to him, I guess.” 

She looks completely stressed and defeated, and Ellie doesn’t know what to do. Or say. She just wants Aster to be happy, no matter what that means for her. She plays with the string between them, glancing up at Aster cautiously. 

“Maybe you..should. Date Paul.” She says quietly, and Aster’s head snaps up, frowning. “It would stop your dad wondering why you won’t date Trip. And Paul’s your friend...he makes you laugh…” 

It sounds weak, even to her, and Aster just glares at her in disbelief.

“Is that a  _ joke _ ? I should date Paul because he makes me laugh; because it would make my  _ father happy?  _ What about what I want, Ellie? What about...this?” She gestures between them, and Ellie knows she’s not just talking about the string, but about the  _ them  _ that’s been happening for the entire summer. Ellie gives a helpless shrug. 

“I know. I just thought- it might be easier-” 

“If I wanted  _ easy _ I wouldn’t have kissed you in the first place!” Aster cries out suddenly, standing up in frustration. “I would have ignored this stupid string and everything it means. I would have just- put this all aside in sacramento, gone on a youth trip over summer instead of this stupid cruise, never  _ seen _ you again. I wouldn't have taken you to the hot tub, kissed you back, spent all summer  _ falling in _ -”

She cuts herself off suddenly, eyes flashing. Ellie stands cautiously, approaching Aster, who is pointedly glaring at the corner of the room instead of at the girl approaching her. She almost wants to press, wants Aster to finish her sentence, but Aster’s jaw is clenched tight and Ellie suspects she might fall apart at any second. She reaches forward, takes Aster’s hands, holding them softly in her own.

“So we don’t do easy.” says Ellie gently. “We’re smart, we can tackle a challenge.” 

Aster still won’t look at her but Ellie just moves forward, pressing kisses to Aster’s jaw, her chin, her mouth. Finally, Aster’s lips move against hers. There are tears on her face so Ellie lets go of her hands, reaching up to stroke them gently away. Aster gives out a choked laugh. 

“We are pretty clever, huh?” She jokes weakly, and Ellie nods, their foreheads pressed together. 

“We are. We’ll work it out, find a way to keep your dad off your back and keep doing...this. Okay?” 

Aster kisses her gently, pulling back with some trepidation.

“Ellie...is  _ this _ okay? Just us, I mean, in secret, not telling anyone?” She asks, looking at Ellie in worry. Ellie just nods, brushing a strand of hair behind Aster’s ear. She’s in no rush to tell anyone about this, either. She doesn’t know how her dad will react to the news her daughter is gay; let alone Paul and the rest of the crew. Many are pretty open-minded, but there’s still a  _ lot  _ of people on board who regularly attend Deacon Flores’ services. Ellie’s definitely not ready to find out just how many of his more convservative beliefs they share.

“Yeah. It’s no one’s business but ours. And until we’re  _ both  _ ready, there’s no point telling anyone.” She says, and Aster nods thankfully. Their heads are pressed together and they stand still, just sharing the space. Finally, Aster pulls back with a sigh. 

“I should probably fix...all this.” She murmurs, gesturing at her tear-reddened face. Ellie brushes a kiss against her cheek. 

“You always look beautiful. But showing up at dinner in tears might not be the best look for the first and final Flores-Munsky affair.” She gives Aster a crooked smile, and Aster just rolls her eyes. 

“Poor Paul. He looked scared out of his wits.” Aster says, giggling, and Ellie can’t help but chuckle. 

“Honestly, he deserves to feel a bit of fear. The  _ audacity  _ of not being able to read my mind and know who he’s asking out, I swear.” Aster laughs out loud. 

“Don’t be too mad at him, okay? He doesn’t know any better.” She points out, and Ellie nods, watching as Aster makes her way toward the door. 

“Trust me, I’m not mad. I know exactly where he’s coming from. He’s got good taste.” She winks at Aster, and Aster rolls her eyes fondly.

“I’ll text you after dinner. As will Paul, I imagine.” She teases, and Ellie laughs. She’s already felt about six buzzes in her pocket which are almost  _ definitely  _ from her best friend. 

“Good luck.” She says, playfully, and Aster just lets out a final sigh before leaving the room. 

* * *

Thankfully, Paul doesn’t hold a grudge. He’s slightly mopey about Aster turning him down for about a day, before he remembers that they’re still good friends and Ellie tells him in no uncertain terms that he makes her happy  _ as  _ her friend. He smiles broadly. 

“As long as I still make her laugh, that’s the important part.” He says, thoughtfully, and Ellie smiles fondly at him. She hates that they’re lying to him- well, lying by omission, really- but she genuinely doesn’t know how he’ll take things. They don’t talk about religion often, or Paul’s beliefs- Ellie knows he believes deeply, of course, but she’s never pressed him on what exactly that belief entails for fear of what he’d say. 

The Deacon had taken the news well too, Aster was pleased to discover. She’d received a brief speaking to about how ‘ladies don’t lead men to make assumptions about their relationships’; but his disapproval hasn’t lasted long beyond the lecture, thankfully; and life resumes quickly to normal.

This evening, for example, Ellie and Aster are enjoying their usual pastime of watching a movie on Ellie’s bed as they wait for Paul to finish his shift. It’s only the start of dinner, so they have at least a couple of hours before he joins them to continue their  _ Lord of the Rings _ marathon. Aster loves them, thinks they’re almost better than the originals; Ellie thinks they’re akin to blasphemy. Paul pretends not to be scared of Sauron. 

~~~

They’ve put on  _ The African Queen _ to pass the time before Paul arrives, but it’s been mostly ignored for the last half hour now. Aster’s somehow gotten Ellie’s hair out of its usual ponytail, her hands tangled almost desperately in it as she pulls Ellie down over her, moving them to a lying position. She groans quietly as Ellie’s teeth scrape against her neck, fingers tightening and scratching at Ellie’s scalp. 

Their legs are tangled together, and Ellie’s hyper aware of all the places they’re touching. She wants to focus on how Aster’s skin tastes against her lips but she’s somewhat distracted by trying to keep herself still, not increase any pressure or shift her legs or do anything that Aster might find too much. They’ve gotten this far before, many times; but anything that hints at  _ more  _ than just heated making out still causes one or both of them to pull back or slow things down, not sure if they’re ready for more just yet. Ellie doesn't want to rush things, particularly not for Aster; who has seemed close to panic more than once as her hands have skittered lightly over Ellie’s chest before returning to the safe comfort of her hair or hips. 

So Ellie’s hovering above her, hands perched on either side of Aster’s shoulder to try and keep as much of her weight off Aster as possible while simultaneously trying to keep her mouth as firmly attached to Aster as possible. Aster, it seems, has different ideas, a hand pulling free from Ellie’s hair to tug the girl closer by her shirt, capturing her in a bruising kiss. She doesn’t seem anxious about the movement; one hand tangled in Ellie’s hair, the other bunched in her shirt, just by Ellie’s ribs. She’s completely lost in their kiss, Ellie thinks, until she tilts her head away slightly, panting. 

“Stop thinking so much. I’m okay.” She murmurs, and Ellie smiles against Aster’s cheek. She loves that they can read each other so well, that Aster knew exactly what Ellie was concerned about. She kisses back down to Aster’s neck, pausing to nip at a spot she knows makes Aster shiver. Aster’s hand, she notices, has relaxed against her ribs, no longer bunched in Ellie’s top. It’s inching slowly downward, and Ellie pulls back a little. 

“Are you- are you sure? We can stop if you need, whenever you want, okay?” She pauses to check in, and Aster gives her a grateful smile. Her hand detangles from Ellie’s hair- they have to pause for a second to detangle the string, too, then she cups Ellie’s cheek. 

“I’m  _ okay _ , Ellie. I’m ready. As long as you are. Thank you for checking, though.” Ellie nods, relaxing slightly against Aster. She shifts so she’s lying between Aster’s legs, only one hand supporting her so the other one is free to tuck some of Aster’s ever-loose hair behind her ear. She leans forward to kiss Aster, blushing a little. “Okay. I’m...ready too.” 

She says gently, almost nervously. Aster nods and blushes, and the two girls stare at each other, before they break into nervous giggles. Ellie leans forward, slowly. Their lips brush lightly against each other, Aster’s hand starts moving slowly downwards again and then they’re kissing, properly, and things don’t move very slowly at all. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for homophobia my pals

“I got done early and  _ what the hell?”  _

Paul’s voice, loud and surprised, shocks Ellie out of her sleep. At first she’s confused about how confused and angry he sounds and then she realises she was  _ asleep _ , and just who she was asleep next to. Instantly she pulls the covers up, trying to protect her own and Aster’s modesty as much as possible. It’s not particularly effective, though, because when she peeks out from the blanket Paul has his back to them, head tilted up at the roof. 

Aster hasn’t moved beside her, but glancing down, Ellie can see her eyes are wide open in fright. Ellie swallows and sits up, gingerly grabbing her t-shirt from atop the bedspread and pulling it quickly back on. 

“Paul, it’s- it’s not-” She tries, but he shakes his head, still staring resolutely at the roof. She can see how tense his shoulders are; the way his hands are curled into fists. 

“This isn’t  _ right _ .” He says, voice low and harsh, and then he turns around. He’s not just mad, Ellie sees instantly- he’s betrayed, yes, but he’s also-  _ scared? _ His jaw locks and he looks at her, eyes softening only slightly, before he collects himself, face impassive. “You’re going to  _ hell. _ ” 

The door slams shut behind him. 

**  
  
**

* * *

Aster and Paul are both avoiding her. 

And each other, in all likelihood, but Ellie doesn’t know because she hasn’t seen them in almost a week.

Ever since Paul had walked in on them, he’d been going out of his way to avoid Ellie. He isn’t coming to the rec room where they used to play hours upon hours of ping pong, he comes to meals late and his eyes sweep right past her table without stopping as he grabs his meal and sits at his family’s table, back turned away from her. 

And honestly? She doesn’t mind that he’s ignoring her. She’s so hurt by the look in his eyes, the shame and anger as he’d stormed out of her cabin, that she’s not sure if she’s ready to face him just yet. Friends are meant to accept each other, right? She knew Paul was religious, that this wasn’t something he’d dealt with before, but Ellie had naively hoped that their very real friendship would surpass some belief in something Paul couldn’t even see. 

So maybe she minds a  _ little. _

Still, it’s nothing compared to the gnawing pit in her stomach that is Aster’s absence in her life. 

Aster, who wouldn’t even look at her as she’d grabbed her clothes, haphazardly pulling them back on as she ignored Ellie’s pleas to stop, or talk, or just  _ look _ at her. Aster, with her eyes wide and filled with as she’d more or less sprinted out of Ellie’s cabin, haunt Ellie’s mind daily. She barely comes to meals, her parents explaining she’s been dealing with a surprising amount of seasickness recently. When she does come, she keeps her head down, not looking in Ellie  _ or  _ Paul’s direction. Ellie takes to loitering near the pool, trying to get Aster to talk to her after work or on her breaks. But Aster stays like a sentinel on her lifeguard’s chair, staring out at the water almost mindlessly. When she comes down she glides right by Ellie. The only signs she’s even seen the other girl are a clenched jaw and wild eyes as she passes. 

Ellie’s at her breaking point. Paul will come around, maybe, eventually- if not, she has the rest of the year to deal with the fallout of her relationship with him. Summer ends in two weeks, though, and she’ll be damned if she lets Aster get off this ship without fixing things between them. 

So when Aster misses yet  _ another _ meal- lunch, this time- and Mrs. Flores explains she’s once again seasick, Ellie decides to throw caution to the wind.

“I’ll bring her something.” She says abruptly, leaving Aster’s parents before they can tell her again that Aster’s not feeling well enough to eat. They won’t follow her. There’s a service in an hour that the Deacon has to get ready for, and Mrs. Flores always goes to help. At Aster’s cabin, Ellie doesn’t bother to knock. She knows Aster will either not respond or tell her to go away, so instead she just tries her luck with the door, grabbing the handle and turning it. 

Thank god for small favours- it’s unlocked. She opens the door and a tired sounding Aster calls across the room, 

“Mama, I told you, I’m just feeling sick.” She doesn’t even look up from her book until Ellie locks the door behind her, leaning back against it. Aster pulls herself upright in her bunk, book held defensively against her chest. She  _ looks _ sick, Ellie notes. There are deep circles under her eyes and she’s pale- probably, Ellie muses, from all the meals she’s missed in her work to avoid Ellie. Ellie’s eyes narrow in annoyance at the sight. 

“Starving yourself to avoid me seems a  _ tad _ dramatic, don’t you think?” She says, and Aster frowns, looking down at her bedspread. 

“I’ve been sick.” She says, quietly, and Ellie shakes her head. 

“No, you’ve been  _ scared _ . But you can’t waste yourself away based on what some bigot spat at you.” Ellie’s frustrated not just at Aster, but at all of it. At Paul’s hurtful outburst; Aster’s avoidance; the fact that everyone’s shutting Ellie out for the great crime of her being herself. Aster looks at her in disbelief, fire in her eyes. Better than tears, Ellie supposes. 

“Some  _ bigot? _ Ellie, what Paul said isn’t some out of the blue sentiment. It’s what his family believes; what  _ my  _ family believes; what most of the people I  _ know  _ believes. It’s what  _ I  _ beli-” She stops herself, jaw clenching as she works to calm herself. Ellie takes a step forward, but the sheer  _ terror _ in Aster’s eyes stops her from coming any closer. 

“You don’t  _ actually  _ believe in Hell, Aster. You’ve told me that yourself.” Ellie says, quietly. She understands that Aster’s hurt,  _ why _ she’s hurt, to an extent, but the very real fear in her eyes is giving Ellie pause. They’ve spoken at lengths about religion, about Aster’s beliefs. As far as Ellie understood, Hell- actual fire and sulphur and satan Hell- was one one of them. Aster shakes her head. 

“Not as a place I’m being immediately zapped to, no. But God’s punishment for the sin? That’s very real. Everyone I know and love, except for you, would turn their backs on me. My parents would never speak to me again. My uncles, my aunties. Everyone would completely and utterly abandon me. I wouldn’t be welcome at home anymore, I’d have nowhere to go.” Aster’s eyes meet Ellie’s. “That sounds a lot like hell to me.”

And Ellie understands suddenly why she’s so very scared. Approaching slowly, she sits on the end of Aster’s bed, careful not to touch the girl. She clasps her hands in her lap, staring down at the string lying between them. Aster puts the book down, tucking her hair behind her ears. 

“I’ve been hiding out here while I worked out what we can do. I haven’t been able to face you- or  _ him-  _ and think straight, make a plan.”

The use of  _ we _ is not lost on Ellie, and it sparks some hope in her. 

“So what do we do?” She asks, quietly. It’s not as easy for them to just walk away from this, she knows. Otherwise she would. She’d wish Aster the best and disappear from her life, take away the threat of being completely abandoned by everyone you’ve ever known. That wouldn’t be easy at all, of course; but it’s not even an option. Not with the knowledge that they’re literally destined to be together. There’s no way she could walk away, even if she wanted to. Even if Aster wanted her to. 

“I think we need to...do what you suggested.” Aster says, quietly. Ellie looks at her with a frown. Aster looks defeated as she clarifies. “Date someone. Not...not Paul, obviously. But someone. To cover for us, so no one will ask questions or look too deeply. If I’ve got a  _ boyfriend _ , if I’m  _ normal _ , then no one will think twice about me being so close with my best friend. Right?”

Ellie frowns, the look matching Aster’s. Aster sighs. “Just until I’m out of school; until I’ve got some money saved up, or I’m at college. Just until I’ve got enough freedom to be  _ me _ , without losing absolutely everything when they find out. Just... most things.” She finishes bitterly, and Ellie risks reaching to take Aster’s hand. Aster hesitates, before tangling their fingers together.

“We don’t have to do this,” Ellie tries, quietly. “Maybe we can just wait, until we’re older. Leave each other’s lives for good until we’re actually equipped to handle all this, like you said. You don’t have to lie for two years, Aster. We can stop this, wait until we’re older.” Aster’s hand grips at hers tightly. She stares intensely at Ellie. 

“I can’t...I can’t walk away from this, Ellie. I won’t. Even without this stupid string, I think I’d still…..” She trails off, but Ellie knows where she’s going. Even if Aster hadn’t already half said it minutes earlier, Ellie thinks she’d know what Aster just stopped herself from saying. It’s been brewing between them for a while, the unspoken depth of their feelings. 

“It feels stupid to feel this way when we’re so young.” Aster continues, quietly, eyes downcast. Ellie shakes her head gently, tilting her face to catch Aster’s eye. 

“You could never be stupid.” She says softly, with a small smile. “If it makes it easier for you to say, I love you too.” 

Aster’s eyes meet hers and a small smile grows on her face. 

“I love you.” She whispers, almost in awe as the words escape her. Ellie grins. 

“I know. You kind of told me earlier, to be fair.” Aster’s brow furrows for a moment, thinking, then she flushes. Ellie chuckles, then leans forward. Aster meets her halfway, and the kiss?

It feels like coming home. 

They pull back after a few long moments, just staring at each other. Slowly, Aster’s smile drops. “I’m serious, Ellie. I’m not willing to walk away from this unless I have to. But I know it’s a huge ask. For me to pretend with someone else. For us to only do this, be together, behind closed doors. If you can’t do that, I understand. We’ll just stop this. Stop it all until I can live independently, until you’re off this ship. Until we’re ready to...meet again.” 

She already sounds heartbroken, like the split is a foregone conclusion. Ellie shakes her head fervently. It isn’t her favourite plan. She hates that Aster feels forced into this. Hates the fact that, until Aster has a safety net, somewhere else to go this is all they can be; this is the safest way for them to be together. But it’s not even a question, for her. She’d rather have a half-life with Aster than none at all. 

“If this is what it takes for us to be together, then so be it. But if this...if this is what you need to do to feel safe, both about us and at home, then this is what we have to do.” She says, seriously. There are tears in Aster’s eyes and she nods gratefully, pressing their lips together, kissing Ellie like the kisses are giving her oxygen. 

When they finally stop kissing, Ellie’s half out of breath. Neither of them had tried to take things any further, too wary about what happened last time to be anywhere near ready again. Still, Ellie feels content, filled up in a way she hasn’t in over a week. Just being back in Aster’s arms does that to her. 

“We should talk to Paul.” She says, quietly. “Make sure he won’t say anything.”

Aster stills, but nods. 

“In a second. I’m not ready to let you go again just yet.”

* * *

They find Paul in the chapel, of all places. It’s long after the service, and everyone has long since left except for him; his tall head bowed in contemplation. Aster pauses at the doorway, but Ellie gives her hand a gentle squeeze and she takes a breath, stepping through the threshold. 

Paul doesn’t acknowledge them at first as they slide into the pew across from him. Aster’s sitting closest, and she instantly reaches for the bible; a reflex honed through many years, Ellie suspects. The three sit there quietly until Paul, surprisingly, is the one to break the silence. 

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.” He says, his voice low. “About God, and love, and what it means to be a good christian, a good  _ man _ . And I don’t think it means to just blindly follow what- what people say. What they tell you is right and wrong. Because Ma says that my taco sausage is wrong, that it’s disgusting, but I know it’s not. I trusted my gut when I made it, I trusted how I felt, not what I was told. And you know what? My sausage is  _ great.  _ It’s freakin’ delicious. And Ma can say what she wants, but a different recipe isn’t disgusting or wrong, you know? Just because she tells me that it is, doesn’t mean she’s right.”

He glances across at Aster and Ellie, who are listening intently. “I think you’re like a taco sausage. People might tell me that it’s not right, but that’s not how I  _ feel _ . And I gotta trust my gut. That’s how- it’s how God made me, I think. He made me to trust in what I feel, to know what was right by what  _ I  _ believe, not what I’m told to.” 

He stands, turns to them. “I don’t think you’re going to Hell. I think you’re my best friends, and anyone who tries to tell me you’re wrong or disgusting in what you’re doing can  _ shove it _ . You’re my real life taco sausage, okay? You’re great.” 

He waits for their reaction with bated breath. Aster’s the first to rise, walking towards him and almost barreling into him with the force of her hug. Ellie’s up next, following quickly behind. Paul wraps his arms around them both.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers, and Aster gives a watery laugh. 

“For freaking out, or calling us sausages?” She asks, slightly muffled by the hug, and Paul grins down at Ellie over Aster’s head. “The first one. The second is a title of honour, and you should both be thrilled.” 

He says, and if Ellie could reach his foot to stamp on it, she probably would. Instead, she just lets the embrace last, content.  **  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof, this one was hard. i remember being in aster's position all too much. if you're still in that shitty position, just know: it does get better. sometimes it takes a while, but it does.


	12. Chapter 12

Ellie is a consummate learner. When she puts her mind to something, it never takes her long to master the art. So she’s particularly proud of herself one Friday night when, after a few hours of practise, she tries something out and Aster quickly responds through text. 

**Aster:** why are you tugging so weirdly? Are you okay? Is Paul kidnapping you and making you try a new recipe? Pirates???? Tug once for yes, twice for no. 

Ellie chuckles. She tugs the same pattern again, waits for a few seconds, and does it again. 

**Aster:** Are you...do it again. Slower!! 

Ellie complies. A few minutes later, Aster responds. 

**Aster:** Did you just Morse code me LOL?? 

**Ellie:** Yes! I’ve been practising. We should learn it and then we can talk at school while you can’t have your phone. 

**Aster:** Traditionally, school is for learning, not painstakingly working out dots and dashes, but I love the effort.

**Aster:** why are you laughing out loud?

**Ellie:** ??? I’m not. I said Lots Of Love! 

**Aster:** oh,  _ carina. _ Please ask Paul what lol means. In the interim, lots of love to you too.

* * *

Aster uses pet names. 

Ellie once thought of herself as being above the insipid use of such things. But she soon finds that she somehow kind of loves when Aster peppers them into their conversations. The casual way she does so makes Ellie feel like this is real; a normal teen relationship (albeit one thousands of miles apart). 

She suspects that’s why Aster does it. To cement to them both that this  _ is  _ real and normal and just like other useless teens in love all over the world. That their relationship is important. The string does a pretty good job of reminding them of that, too, to be fair. But something about the simplicity of a pet name comforts Ellie. Like even if they  _ weren’t _ written in the stars, Aster would still want to be Ellie’s, and Ellie, her’s. 

* * *

They manage the first three weeks apart with minimal angst, somehow. Thank god for technology- Ellie’s not sure how they would have survived if they’d had to rely on letters or telegraphs. Daily messages, photos, and weekly FaceTimes keep her sane. 

Paul helps, too. Now that he knows about them, he’s taken time to learn how to best support them. Ellie knows he and Aster are looking at online Christian and Queer support groups together; and he’s taken to downloading any shows or movies with lesbian characters in them to watch with Ellie. She’s ninety percent sure both Dr. Chu and Paul’s parents think they’re dating. Edwin suddenly spends a lot more time working from his cabin, now that she and Paul spend most afternoons sitting on Ellie’s bed (two feet apart as per parental request) watching shows. Ellie doesn’t love much of what they watch- “these people are all  _ morons _ !”, she’s complained, more than once- but she loves Paul’s effort to bond with her, so she accepts each and every episode he downloads. 

He’s also taken it upon himself to teach her about shorthand in text and emojis, something she didn’t know is apparently a ‘necessity’ at their age. It’s….a struggle. 

**Paul:** 💃🏽🌭🦉😿

**Aster** : Aww, I miss you guys too! 

**Ellie:** ????? 

**Paul:** 😻😻😻

**Ellie:** ?????????????

**Aster:** Simple deduction, baby. I’m the dancing lady, Paul’s the sausage, you’re the owl. The cat is sad because we miss each other. 

**Paul:** lol, baby. ur whipped ellie. Also y havent u been paying attention 2 my lessons??  😾

**Ellie:** Is the cat angry because you are? 

**Aster:** She learnt!!!

**Paul:** A miracle!!! 

* * *

Ellie gets a more regular shift teaching piano to some of their passengers; four nights a week. Aster gets a job at a restaurant near her house, three days a week and all of Saturday. 

She’s pleased for them both- they’re earning money, saving up, which is a good start for the future. But it does mean less spare time; hours when they’d normally call and see one another face to face, gone. 

They still message constantly, and they adapt to sort of string-code when time difference and work hours get in the way. Ellie will sometimes miss a note on the piano because of a sudden endearing ‘goodnight’ tug on her finger. More than once, she’s caused Aster to almost spill things while she’s at work. As a result, her own goodnight or good morning pulls on the string have become far softer, lest Aster ends up throwing a milkshake all over an unsuspecting patron.

Sometimes, they’ll go almost two weeks without properly having time to sit down and just  _ talk.  _ The ache she feels as the year moves by doesn’t get better; though she does get used to it. 

Aster looks somehow more beautiful every time Ellie sees her- even if the connection is grainy, Ellie can’t help but wish she could reach out and just touch the other girl. The wanting look in Aster’s eyes tells her the other girl feels the same. 

It’s hard, but they can do this. 

* * *

Aster puts it off as long as she can. Her father’s not been subtle in his suggestions, but when he straight out asks her why she’s not yet accepted Trig’s invitation on a date, she cracks. Ellie’s about to head to class one morning when her phone chirps, and she knows the moment she reads the message what’s happened. 

**Aster:** Trig asked me out again. 

Ellie’s stomach drops. She knew it was coming, they both did. She knows the answer to her own question, even as she types it. 

**Ellie:** Gross. You said yes? 

**Aster:** I did.

She wants to be supportive. But she hasn’t seen Aster in over a week and she misses her more than she can fathom. The anger that curls in her gut at Aster feeling pressured into this renders her almost unable to type. She leans back against the wall, deciding that class can wait. She’s already a week ahead, anyway. 

**Ellie:** Mm.

It’s not much of a message, but it’s all she can get out at this point. She needs to collect herself properly. Turning abruptly, she heads back to her cabin, slamming the door and throwing herself down on the bed.

**Aster:** Ellie, we spoke about this. We knew it would happen at some point. 

Aster’s right. It doesn’t help. 

**Ellie:** I know, doesn’t mean I love it in action.

**Aster:** I’m not thrilled about it either, to be honest. You’re not the one who has to date him. 

She kind of feels like she’s picking a fight. She knows,  _ knows  _ this isn’t Aster’s fault. That Aster doesn’t want to be stuck between this rock and a hard place; that for Arter, this is the only way she can protect herself and their relationship until she’s able to get out of her house safely. Still, Ellie hates it. She takes a deep breath and holds it, then slowly exhales. 

**Ellie** : I know. I’m sorry. I just...I hate that you have to do this. I wish I was there. And a guy, probably. Then I could date you properly myself. I’d have a better name than Geometry, anyway. Ridiculous. 

Her phone buzzes, but it’s a call, instead of a text. Ellie takes another deep breath and answers. 

“Hey.” She says flatly. She’s tired and she misses Aster and she knows they only have a couple of minutes for this conversation- Aster must be on her work break- and she doesn’t want to spend it fighting. 

“Of all the things I dislike about him, his name weirdly isn’t one of them? It’s easier to remember- it’s the worst kind of math. Means I won’t mess it up when talking to him and let him in on how fundamentally I don’t care.” 

Aster doesn’t sound mad, at least. Just tired, like Ellie is. Ellie lets out a soft chuckle, and Aster continues. 

“I, for one, am  _ very  _ glad you’re not a guy. I love you for  _ you,  _ Ellie, and I wouldn’t change you for the world. Well, I’d probably make you closer, if things were different. That part would be nice. But nothing else about you, okay? I love you.” 

Her voice is soft and sad and it’s what Ellie needed to hear. 

“I love you, too. So much.” She responds softly, and she hears Aster sniffle. 

“I’m sorry too, for what it’s worth. I ... know I’m asking the impossible, for you sit idly by while I do this. But if it keeps my father off my back long enough for me to finish school- or at least save up some money, just in case he finds out before I tell him… I have to go through with this, this pretending. You don’t have to, though, okay? You can opt out at any time.” 

The way Aster says it breaks Ellie’s heart. 

“I can’t opt out. Not from you. Even if it sucks for both of us, it will be better together than seperate.” She says, with more resolve than she feels. She hears something in the background of Aster’s line, a voice telling Aster her break is up. 

“Better together.” Aster agrees softly, then sighs. “I have to go. I love you.” 

“Love you too.” Ellie replies, quietly, and there’s a brief pause as the girls wish they could stay on the line forever before Ellie presses to disconnect. 

* * *

She’s finishing class for the day (after arriving twenty minutes late), and still feeling all kinds of crap when she feels a familiar sequence of tugs on her finger. She smiles softly to herself, pulls out her phone. 

**Ellie** : Lots Of Love to you, too. 

* * *

Ellie waits up till 3am the night of Aster’s first date. The Deacon’s given her a curfew, thankfully, but the minutes drag by until asters due home. Finally, finally, her phone buzzes. Ellie picks up right away.

Aster’s sitting on her bed, lit by the soft glow of her lamp. By the looks of things, she’s still dressed and made up from her evening. She looks beautiful. It doesn’t surprise Ellie- she always does, but it does make her sad that asters dressed up for someone else. 

Still, she reminds herself that asters the one who actually had to date someone else against her will, and tampers down on the misery slightly. Aster, to her surprise, looks happier than she’d expected, and Ellie feels a nervous tingling in her stomach. Why does aster look so pleased? Surely the date wasn’t  _ good? _

“So, how did it go?” She asks quietly. Aster bites her lip, thinking. 

“Well, I have good news, and bad news..” she begins, and Ellie freezes. Which one does she want first? Finally, she decides. “Bad news first.”

And Aster smiles. “Great choice. The bad news is, Trig tried to kiss me…”

Ellie freezes, stares at Aster, trying to discern why the girl looks so...light, when someone who isn’t Ellie just tried to kiss her. She frowns. 

“Okay…and you’re smiling….?” She’s not sure she wants the answer, but Astser’s smile grows to a grin.

“Here’s where the  _ good  _ news comes in. Trig- my dear future boyfriend-“ she pulls a face, and the corner of Ellie’ lips lift slightly, even if her stomach churns at the thought. She trusts Aster, trusts there’s a reason she’s happy about this. “- is very religious. Hence why papi loves him so much. So when I told him I wasn’t ready to kiss him yet, that I wanted to wait…. he was really good about it. Said we didn’t need to prove anything to God by being physical, that he understood me hesitating.” 

Ellie’s brows raise. Well, that  _ was _ unexpected. 

“Mr. All-American Magic Dimples is happy not to kiss you?” She says in surprise. She’d made Aster show her a photo of him, just so she knew who she was up against. She’d tried hard not to be blinded by his offensively good smile. 

Aster grins, shaking her head. 

“I wouldn’t say happy, but understanding. I think I’m just….really pious now. Which  _ papa _ is thrilled by as well.” She’s looking happier than she has in weeks, and a smile grows on Ellie’s lips. This is far better than expected. “I think this might actually work, Ellie.” 

“That’s...really good news, As. Like, fantastic.” She grins at Aster, who laughs happily, eyes crinkling. 

“You look particularly thrilled. You’re stoked I didn’t kiss him, aren’t you?” She says, teasingly, and Ellie nods, not even bothering to hide it. 

“Not only that you don’t have to kiss someone you don’t want, of course,” She points out, “but also I just really, really hate the thought of someone else kissing you.” 

Aster’s eyes twinkle in the light. She has a playful look in her eye; like all the stresses of the past few weeks have lifted now things might work out even better than they planned. She leans forward, lowering her voice slightly. 

“I only want you kissing me, baby.” She says, biting her lip. Ellie inhales sharply. The look in her eyes is all too familiar- it reminds Ellie of the nights they’d spend wrapped up in each other all summer. Ellie feels a heat ignite, low in her torso.

“Yeah? What else do you want me to do?” She asks, quietly. She’s surprised by her own forwardness; hopes Aster can’t see the nerves behind them. They’ve flirted and danced around something like  _ this  _ for months, but neither has ever asked or said something quite so brazen. 

Aster blinks softly, like the question has affected her in some way. Ellie wonders if her voice affects Aster the same way Aster’s does her. Finally, she answers. 

“I want-“ her reply is cut off by Edwin coming through the door, blinking in surprise to see his daughter still wide awake and clutching the phone to her chest like she’s holding some deep secret. 

” Nǚ'ér; nǐ zěnme xǐngle qù shuìjiào." He says quietly, coming across the room to press a hand to her forehead. “ Nǐ kàn qǐlái liǎnhóngle, nǐ wēnnuǎn ma? Nǐ shēngbìngle ma?"

Ellie bats his hand away. Aster’s gone quiet on the line, thankfully hearing the interruption and not continuing her train of thought. “ Wǒ hěn hǎo, bà! Zhǐshì hé ā sī tè shuōhuà. Wǒ bǎozhèng, wǒ xiànzài yào qù shuìjiào."

“Good. Say hello to your friend but do not stay up so late, you need your sleep." He chastises softly, then gives her a small smile, heading into his room. Ellie waits for the door to close behind him before she pulls her headphones out of her bag and plugs them in, pushing them into her ears as she brings the screen back to her face.

Aster’s still there, bright red and trying not to laugh. 

“That was close.” She says, voice tinged with mild embarrassment. Ellie gives a sheepish smile. 

“One day we’ll have privacy. Maybe.” She says forlornly, and Aster laughs. Then her grin turns cheeky. 

“I’ve been thinking about that, actually. We’ll both be 17 by summer, old enough to apply as regular staff on the ship….with staff cabins. We’d be almost guaranteed a twin room together if we requested us. Staffing and payroll have known us  _ and  _ our families for years….” she trails off, waiting for Ellie’s response. Ellie thinks about how it might be to have a room of their own all Summer. Even one as cramped as the twin bunks new staff get sounded absolutely wonderful to her. 

“I'd have to give up my nice private room..” she pretends to think about it, finger tapping her chin. “I don’t know, Aster. You’ll have to sweeten the deal for me.” 

“Think of the company. All that time together? I’d have hours to tell you all the things I want you to do to me, Ellie. And even more time for you to do them.” Aster’s smirking at her like she’s won something, like she didn’t know Ellie would say yes the moment she mentioned the idea. Ellie nods eagerly. 

“Yeah...that sounds...Yeah.” Is all the managers, and Aster chuckles.

“I’ll let you get to sleep. Sweet dreams, heathen.” 

And Ellie has very good dreams indeed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translationssssss: 
> 
> Daughter; why are you awake? Go to sleep. = Nǚ'ér; nǐ zěnme xǐngle qù shuìjiào
> 
> You look flushed, are you warm? Are you sick?” = Nǐ kàn qǐlái liǎnhóngle, nǐ wēnnuǎn ma? Nǐ shēngbìngle ma?
> 
> I’m fine, ba! Just talking to Aster. I’ll go to sleep now, I promise.”= Wǒ hěn hǎo, bà! Zhǐshì hé ā sī tè shuōhuà. Wǒ bǎozhèng, wǒ xiànzài yào qù shuìjiào.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end.

Summer begins just as they’d hoped. They’re designated to a small twin room on D deck; consisting of not much more than a set of bunk beds, a small desk, and tiny bathroom off to one side. Ellie is positively _thrilled_ when she moves into the space the day before they dock in the harbour and Aster comes aboard. 

She hangs her belongings in the small closet beside the beds, leaving most of the space for Aster. Her father had allowed her to leave things in her old room- it wasn’t far for her to travel, after all- so she was happy to let Aster have the hulk of the storage. 

She stands in the room, surveying it proudly. 

“My dorm room’s bigger than this, yet you look absolutely beside yourself with excitement.” Comes a dry drawl from behind her. Ellie spins, an awkward smile on her face. 

“Lauren!” She says in surprise. “I didn’t know you were here this summer. Welcome back.” 

It’s not a bad shock to see Lauren, really. After Ellie’s birthday last year, the Australian had tracked her down the following evening to ensure she hadn’t made Ellie feel pressured or uncomfortable. Ellie explained she hadn’t, but that there was someone else. Lauren had thankfully not pressed for details, just raised an eyebrow, and the incident was more or less forgotten. Still, Ellie feels vaguely awkward near the older girl. 

“Cheers. Got a gig in the bar, thought I’d hang out with dad this summer. So, what’s got you so thrilled? No one is _this_ excited about bunking with some random all summer.” She steps into the room, looking around, before turning back to Ellie with a look of mild curiosity. “Haven’t chosen a bunk yet? First in, best dressed, mate.”

Ellie blinks. She hadn’t even thought of that- she’d assumed she and Aster would pick together, and just pretend both were in use. Now she’s wondering if she should have already picked, or if she and Aster would be sharing a tiny single all Summer at all. Lauren sees her panic and laughs, not unkindly. 

“Chill. I’m sure whoever you’re with isn’t that much of a monster; just pick one.” 

“She’s _not_ a monster.” Ellie says, defending Aster even before she’s realised she responded. Lauren looks at her in surprise. 

“You already know your bunkmate? I thought half the crew aren’t even aboard yet?” Ellie rubs the back of her neck awkwardly. While it was true that most roomings hadn’t been posted, as half the crew weren’t yet aboard, Aster and Ellie knew they’d been put together for the summer. She shrugs. 

“Oh, I’m bunking with Aster- that friend of mine and Paul’s who comes each summer? You’ll meet her tomorrow.” She says vaguely, knowing she or Paul would have mentioned Aster at some time. Lauren, to her surprise, levels her with a knowing look. 

“Oh, _your_ Aster.” She says playfully, and when Ellie furrows her brow in confusion she grins and clarifies, “Your birthday. She called and you practically sprinted out of there, talking about _your_ Aster. Didn’t take long to figure out who the _someone else_ was when I asked.” She notes, and Ellie swallows nervously. 

“Oh. You didn’t...tell anyone, right?” 

Lauren shrugs and shakes her head.

“Nah. I asked Paul who’d called you a few days later- I wanted to know who managed to nab you off the market, I admit- “ She shrugs casually, then continues, “but when he said that she was just a friend of both of you I figured either I was misreading things or he didn’t know yet. I’m not in the habit of outing anyone so I didn’t pry any more.“ 

Ellie nods gratefully. 

“I- thank you. I’m not – honestly, I don’t know how _ba_ would take it, but Aster's parents… ” she trails off, shaking her head, and Lauren nods in understanding. 

“I get it. My dad struggled when I first told him, a lot. S’why I come back on board now, we’re working to patch things up.” She gives a rueful smile. “And Paul- he wouldn’t be okay with it? He seems nice, but you hadn’t told your best friend for a reason, I assume..”

Ellie shakes her head “yeah he wasn’t great when we first found out but since then… He’s been awesome. He realised being my best friend, and Aster’s, was more important than what the scripture said.” 

Lauren gives her a warm smile. “Thank god that. I like Paul- I didn’t want to have to ignore him all summer. Now, I’ve actually been sent in here to collect you from the Tallboy himself- he wants a replay of his crushing defeat at ping-pong last year; we need you to adjudicate.“ She grins cheekily at Ellie who smiles, glad there’s no awkwardness between them, and that she has someone else she can talk to about all this.

* * *

Aster finally arrives at about midday the next morning. She and her parents make their way up the gang plate and Ellie can feel every bone in her body thrum with anticipation as she watches the girl walk slowly up the ramp towards them, the string between the girls shortening with each step. Behind her, she hears Lauren chuckle. 

_“Oh,”_ the girl says, “I _get_ it. Nice, Ellie.” 

Ellie’s about to turn around when she hears a soft _oof_ from behind her. She turns to see that Paul seems to have elbowed Lauren on her behalf. He gives her a quick smile. 

“I did the honours for you, my foot still hurts from last year.” He explains, and Ellie rolls her eyes. 

“I do not condone violence! But also, everyone stop objectifying my – Aster.” She finishes, realising she’s not even sure she can call Aster her girlfriend. They haven’t actually ever had any sort of discussion about labels. She's just Aster’s, and Aster is hers. It's as simple and as complicated as that.

Finally, _finally,_ Aster makes her way to them, her parents trailing behind. Ellie quickly notices that there’s some tension in Aster’s step, and that both her parent’s mouths are set into harder lines. She also notices that Aster, for some reason, has more bags than usual- not many; they are bunking in a tiny room, after all; but definitely more than is necessary for someone who’ll be wearing a provided uniform all summer. The Deacon adjusts a bulky looking backpack on his shoulder, and Ellie blinks in confusion, vaguely recognising it from their many facetime ‘study sessions’- it’s Aster’s _schoolbag._ Aster stops in front of her, looking almost nervous. Her parents pause briefly to greet the teens. Aster’s father greets Paul with a tense handshake, gives Lauren a terse nod. Doesn’t even look at Ellie. Her mother gives them all a perfunctory nod, but Ellie doesn’t miss the way she tenses when her eyes meet Ellie’s. 

“We’ll drop these in your room, Aster, then go to the staffing offices and finish the paperwork. You’re sure about this? All of it?” Her father asks, almost pleadingly. Ellie’s taken aback. She’s _never_ heard the Deacon speak with anything less than authority in his tone. 

Aster nods firmly at him. “I’m sure papi. You know I am.” 

With a defeated sigh from her mother and her father’s disappointed shake of the head, her parents depart. Three sets of eyes immediately swivel to Aster, who stands almost sheepishly in front of them all. She pastes on a smile and sticks her hand out, trying to brush past the tension. 

“Lauren, right? I think I’ve seen a photo of you from one of these two. Nice to finally meet you! I’m Aster.” The artist starts, her string tugging at Ellie’s hand awkwardly as she proffers it to Lauren. Ellie cuts in before Lauren even has a chance to respond to the absolutely ludicrous introduction, not willing to let Aster just breeze through whatever just happened with her parents.

“Yes, this is Lauren. You both like puppies and Paul and Ellie, well done you're friends. Unimportant. Aster, what the _hell_ was that? Why do you have so many bags? Why were your parents acting like- like..” She pauses, struggling to come up with an appropriate metaphor. 

“Like you peed in their sausage mix?” Supplies Paul, helpfully. Lauren snorts from behind them, but Ellie just nods vehemently.

“Yeah, like that!” She stares at Aster, and Aster just blinks back at her for a few seconds before sighing. 

“I had been wanting to maybe...sit down with you for this, or talk it through a bit, but I guess we’re doing it now.” She says, a nervous smile playing on her lips. 

“I...may have applied to study remotely senior year. I told my guidance counsellor..I told her about us. That I wasn’t sure I’d be safe at home with Dad if he knew I was...if he knew I loved a girl. That my closest family worked on this ship, that I could study from here. I may have _lightly_ forged some letters from an Uncle Paul. If anyone asks, you’re forty. And Puerto Rican.” She directs at Paul, who is just staring blankly at her. She reaches out towards Ellie, who doesn’t hesitate to take her hand. “And then I told my parents what I’d done, and if they tried to stop me, I’d drop out. And when that didn’t work, I told them the truth. That I love you, Ellie. That I’m bisexual. That neither of those things are going to stop being true, even if they tried to keep me locked up in their precious church community back home. _Especially_ if they tried to keep me there. I said I’d tell everyone, tell the whole damn congregation the Deacon’s shame, his sinner daughter.” 

Ellie squeezes Aster’s hand as tears form in the girls’ eyes. She swallows, blinks back tears before continuing. 

“That got them to listen. They’re not happy, obviously. But it’s better than the whole parish knowing that the Deacon can’t even preach away sin if it’s infected his own daughter.” She gives a shrug, shakes her head. “Whatever. I know it’s not- none of it’s true. It’s all bullshit anyway, what he says.” 

Paul gives a soft _Amen_ behind Ellie. Aster shoots him a grateful look. 

“But...I’m here now. For the summer, and after it too. I thought, maybe, if it’s okay...we could extend our bunking agreement somewhat?” Aster’s looking at Ellie with big, hopeful eyes; but there’s a smile on her lips like she already knows Ellie’s answer. Which, of course she does. Like Ellie could ever say anything less than _yes_ to Aster’s every request. She knows things aren’t simply sorted, that it won’t be as easy as just nodding like a big idiot and assuming things will be fine; they’ve got her dad to tell, the disappointment and pain in the Flores’ eyes, senior year, college, their whole damn future to face. But she feels Paul, his hand steady on her shoulder, his support for them unwavering. Feels the string, stirring gently in the wind beneath their joined fingers. Feels Aster’s gaze, the love in her eyes, the warmth of her hand in Ellie’s. 

“I think an extension could be sorted, yeah.” She mutters, and then Aster’s kissing her; Lauren and Paul whooping in delight behind them. And while things might not be simple, might not be sorted, Ellie Chu knows that things will be just fine. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaand we're done! I'm not 100% thrilled with the ending. I'd originally had another two chapters planned, but between losing the draft of it and the pandemic we're all absolutely enjoying, I just didn't have it in me. I hope this is a somewhat okay conclusion to this story. I'm sorry I couldn't give you, or Ellie and Aster, more. Maybe one day I'll be able to come back and bulk it up a bit for everyone. 
> 
> Thanks for sticking around, folks.
> 
> <3


End file.
